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A story of abuse
This post reveals what it’s like living with an abusive spouse. It’s written from a wife’s perspective about what happened in her marriage with her battering husband.
I should have left the first time he hit me. But I was afraid. We had just gotten back from our honeymoon and I couldn’t bear the scrutiny or shame I’d feel if I left my husband so soon. That would mean that I made a mistake. I wasn’t up for admitting that. I was so used to hiding and carrying my burdens alone that living with the abuse and keeping it secret seemed like my only option.
We were eating dinner one night, and we started to argue about something. I can’t remember what it was about. It was something like where to spend Christmas or how we were spending money. He became very upset and angry, and then, it felt as if with all his might, he back-handed me across the face.
I was stunned. It felt like my front teeth were loose and maybe would fall out. You know how when you really hurt yourself, it takes a few seconds to feel the pain? That’s what it was like. At first, no pain, then the throbbing. I held my mouth, and I couldn’t move my hand. I couldn’t move at all. I realized I was almost hyperventiling. I was crying, and then I tasted blood. It hurt so bad. The physical pain was bad, but the hurt I felt in my heart was agonizing. The man I married, the one who was supposed to protect and love me, just hit me with all his strength.
Ice stopped the bleeding, but it didn’t do much to stop the bruising, nor the sick feeling I had in my stomach.
After a short while, he apologized. He was strangely calm for being so upset a few minutes earlier. He tried to hug me and comfort me. I felt completely numb, emotionally. I pretended to let him hug me, but really, there was no comfort. I knew then that I was in big trouble and I felt that I had absolutely no way out of this. I did all I could to cover the bruises with makeup. But a woman at work noticed and asked me about it. I made up some lame story to cover it up. I don’t think she believed me, though. But she didn’t say anymore about it.
And thus began a sick, perverted, twisted marriage. After that incident, he was nice for awhile, but then I could feel the tension rising again. And then he’d explode again. But even during the “good” times when he wasn’t hitting me, twisting my arm, or pulling my hair, he had his ways of putting me down. He preferred the name “stupid bitch” or laughing at me or my family. He loved making fun of my family.
It’s unthinkable to me now that I was more willing to suffer quietly on my own, bearing the weight of shame that was wrongly placed on me, than I was to go through the embarrassment of a separation or divorce. But through God’s grace and trusting in His love and believing that He wanted me to be safe, I was, with his help, able to get free from this abusive, oppressive relationship. I’ve learned so much about myself and my relationships. I can honestly say now that I’m thankful for all I’ve been through because it’s made me who I am today. And I like who I am.
If you’ve experienced this kind of relationship, and you feel comfortable sharing a part of your story with us, please blog. We’d like to hear from you.
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Often times it’s hard to know what is abuse and what is not, what is his fault or what did you bring on yourself. Is he at fault if you push him to far or are you actually the one to be blamed. If he has never punched , slapped or kicked you but has grabbed you so firmly that you are left with his fingerprints in the form of bruises, or he has shoved you or held you down, is this considered abuse? Some believe so, but many do not. Many believe that as long as you are not “struck”, then it is not abuse. Sometimes I think that men just don’t know their own strength. They don’t necessarily intend to inflict physical pain but don’t realize the harm they’re doing. Some do know and feel more powerful for having shown you that you’re weaker. Telling the difference between the two isn’t always as easy as it may seem.
I was 17 when I got married and had my first child. My husband abused me the whole time we were together. I did finally leave him, but I was stalked by him and I knew it was time to leave. I took my daughter and ran, but I had help from another man.
I ended up almost in the same situation, but I saw there was more to it. His mother and sister’s disowned him because they hated me and his dad was in prison. I knew I could not turn my back on him. I knew that was what everyone else did and I did not want to be like everyone else. We have been together for 15 years and it took a while but the beating took time but did decrease and he has not hit my in 5 years. I believe that most of the time the abuser hits because that is the only way they know how to express their anger. The abusers have a mental illness and need help. I knew that my husband would not get the help he needed if I turned my back on him.
The unfortunate consequence is society punishes women even more after leaving the abusive relationship…poverty, stigma”single mom”, bad credit, etc….unless the abuser ends up in jail {very rare} he will live a wonderful life
I am currently going through a divorce and have been wondering if I have chosen the correct path. I was in an abusive relationship for many years to be exact 21 years. My ex husband went from physically abusing me to manipulative emotional abuse. I finally could not handle it anymore and left my home. I should say that he use to use drugs and alcohol through all these years except for the last year that we were together. He was very short tempered and became angry on a daily basis. Then a year ago my father who meant the world to me passed away and my world came crumpling down. I decided that It was best that I left the marriage and now getting a divorce. Unfortunely everything seems to have turned around on me (my feelings anyway about this whole situation) and I am left alone to start from scratch again. I miss my children dearly and usually come to visit occassionally but miss them dearly. I been praying for myself and need additional prayers.
God says, we’re to live in peace.. I hurt for the women abused violently, physically, and emotionally.. I suffered for 25years with verbal abuse and put down in front of friends. Prayers, tears, and faith, turned my situation around. He now talks to me with calm, respect, and in fairness as he does not like arguing anymore. Faith in God did this for me, and it can do it for others. Violent abuse, you must leave him.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. God will free you from abusive mates.
Please pray for me. My husband has been angrily emotionally abusing me for our entire marriage of 16 years. Even though we have been blessed with more than we could ever dream for financially and in the family who love us, it is never enough for him and all he does is disregard the blessing and complain about how he hasn’t “arrived” to where he thought he would by now. Aside from the constant complaining and bigotry about others and other things, he blames me for it all, calls me names, then tells me I’m being too sensitive and that he’s only telling the truth to me as he judges and criticizes me — don’t I want to be truthful in our relationship? I am at a point where I don’t know what to think — I know God sees me different than how my husband sees me. I am struggling to see God’s version of the truth, but what do I do once I’ve finally gotten in line with God’s truth — do I stay in this relationship where I’m attacked under my own roof by the man who promised to love me for the rest of our lives, or do I leave in order to survive and heal? We have a 2 year old son who is in love with his dad (and vice-versa) but will he learn these harmful, negative behaviors (both to self, others and to his mate) if I stay in an emotionally abusive marriage? Help!
I will pray for you, Lisa. I recommend that you either talk with your minister about what’s happening in your marriage, or see a therapist who’s trained to deal with abusive relationships. Your minister may or may not understand what you’re facing. If he or she does not seem to get it, see a therapist. Best case is that your husband will join you in the process of getting help. You can’t go on like this forever. And, like you said, you have your son to think of as well. There are many negative effects on children when there is abuse in the home. What you’re facing takes a lot of courage and support. don’t try and do all this on your own. You need the help and love of family and friends. I’m praying. . .
This sounds so much like my marraige it’s painful to read.
I am so thankful he hasnt hit me,yet but boy has he bruised me on the inside.The bruises you cant see and he knows it and thrives on it.He thrives on what he does. He is always saying Im always mad at him,full of all this anger and crud.I dont think so.He is talking about himself but putting the blame on me or someone else. I dont know if God is telling me its time to get out for good by him having a job where he does now plus he has been out for over a year and it was the third time he left. He says he just moved out,that he didnt leave or abandon me. God hates abadonment too.Let alone abuse more than divorce. I have the divorce on hold and its down to the final papers but I want to do what God wants me to do.I really cant take his demeaning,abusive,degrading,belittling and on and on anymore.It will never stop unless he gives his life to God. HELP. Im at my wits end.Its a good thing Im a very patient person.
I was in a marriage for over 20 years. I thought he loved me and I thought he was a Christian. After leaving his family to live with another woman, I have had to deal with everything that I thought was, was not. Before leaving, he became very disrespectful and emotionally abusive. My Lord is truly my rock. I love you Lord and praise You. I know You have plans for my life and the lives of my children.
I was almost killed last year by someone who claimed I was his soulmate. We had dated for 6 months -6 MONTHS!!!!. I never thought I would be in an abusive relationship. I didn’t grow up in that type of environment. I was post divorce x 1 1/2 yrs and was introduced to a professional man who was divorced. I wasn’t looking for a long term committment. He started out being extremely nice, but quickly turned to overbearing and controlling. Once he determined he couldn’t control me he turned to violence. One evening we were suppose to sit down for a talk as to where we wanted this relationship to go; which in turn turned into an argument. He hit me with all of his might (closed fist). I saw stars!! It was at that moment I realized he would kill me if I didn’t get away from him. He put a 9mm gun to my head and told me he had decided that day he was going to die and he was taking me with him. I calmed myself, prayed, and begged him not to do it. At that momemt I could see angels standing around the back of him and I knew I would be okay. As 2Kings 6 states there are more for us than there are against us. Approximately 15 mins later he was apologizing and he let me leave. I filed charges with the police department; it took them 3 weeks before they would pick him up. And only after I called twice to ask why he hadn’t been picked up. He cut the phone lines to my home. I lived with family for a while, changed up my routine, due to his stalking me. After he was arrested 2 days later he drove his Avalanche truck through my house with me in it; he got out of the truck and committed suicide.
I am a survivor. I am not a victim. Jesus wrapped his arms around me and protected me for a reason. A police detective stood at the foot of my hospital bed with tears in his eyes and said “Lady you have to be under God’s grace, because there is no way you were suppose to have survived that”. I am pro active with any group that helps women of domestic violence, because God saved me for a reason. As God told Paul in Phillipians 3 “in my weakness I am made strong through God’s grace”. Praying for all who have experienced this. Know that you survived for a reason. Find that reason and act on it.