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Sex Talk
Do you remember the “sex talk”? You know, the talk? Some of you do. It was that awkward moment when your father or mother sat down and did the “birds and the bees” thing. Now, for the life of me I never have been able to figure out how birds and bees would ever fit into that conversation, but, nevertheless, you know what I mean. Remember?
I don’t remember the talk. Why? Because it never happened. And I know a bunch of you reading this post are in the same boat as me.
I grew up in a Christian home where sex was never mentioned. Not once. Not ever. So, as I grew up and matured, sex was a very awkward subject. And no body was talking about it, especially Christians, and especially in church.
So, here are some things that I find amazing about sex. Now before you get concerned about reading further, let me reassure you that there will not be explicit of talk about everything that I find amazing about sex. This is a selective list of observations intended to raise a healthy dialog about sexually in an honorable way.
Okay, so here’s my short list:
1. It never ceases to amaze me how sexually saturated our world has become. I mean, sex is everywhere. I can’t turn to any form of media without hearing or seeing a barrage of both explicit and implied sexual images, innuendos, and conversations that drag sex into the public arena for all to witness. And I’m not talking about the pornography industry here. (That’s another whole issue in itself that we’ll have to reserve for a later discussion). I’m talking about what we see, hear, read and are otherwise exposed to through the mainstream media–like radio, TV, magazines, advertisements, and the internet.
2. What’s equally amazing is that–for the most part–the majority of people around me (and that includes many Christians) seem to be completely immune to the impact this assault is having on them sexuality. The message seems to be getting through that there are no significant consequences or enduring fallout for unleashing unbridled sexual expression in any form and any where.
3. What’s also amazing is that for all the sexual indulgence in our culture, Christian couples rarely if ever talk about their sex relationship. I’ve spent the last 23 years working with couples in marital and premarital counseling, and my experience has been that the vast majority of couples never talk about sex. They don’t share their sexual histories prior to marriage. Nor do they talk much about their expectations of sexuality within marriage. Most couples who have been married for any amount of time, 3-5 years, say they feel “awkward” talking about sex and usually avoid it. What’s amazing is that these same couples will watch sexuality portrayed on TV and in movies and don’t think twice about it. In spite of that exposure, there is still minimal meaningful conversation about what is or isn’t going on between them in the bedroom.
4. When I speak at men’s conferences and men’s retreats, it’s amazing how many men admit that they have never had a meaningful conversation about sex with their fathers. Often, it’s only a paltry 1-2% of the men whose fathers took time to share with their sons about this crucial area. And then we wander why men struggle so deeply with their sexuality.
5. What is amazing to me is how we as Christians have allowed the forces of darkness to hijack and exploit the whole beautiful and mysterious gift of our God-designed sexuality. Rarely–in my more than 50 years of church attendance–have I ever heard a positive sermon about sex. Plenty of negative press about what not to do, but rarely a passionate presentation of the celebration that sexual intimacy offers to a married couple. Sex is an exquisite and exclusive celebration in the bedroom of the love that a couple has made outside of the bedroom. Sex isn’t the main event. It’s the delightful dessert that is to be savored after the nourishment of a hearty meal of meaningful relationship.
So, that’s my short list of what I find amazing about sex. How about you? I know it’s awkward, but lets be honest. No graphic or lewd comments, please. Just honest dialog about whether or not you can identify with some of what I’ve shared. Feel free to disagree as well. That makes for a good discussion.
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A couple of years ago I thought would it not be great to have a group for people who do not know about even how their own body works. I found it quite amazing that many have gotten information about sex from school or TV rather than from parents or church for that matter.
It seems to be a secret even when we have such beautiful language in the Song of Solomon. I believe it has caused many marriages to crumble especially in the church. I believe the time to talk to children is when they start exploring themselves instead of telling them it is nasty.
I have heard many women who have no sexual gratification at all. I have asked do you even know what would feel good for yourself.
It is so sad because before all this sexual freedom stuff came along it was a closet issue. It has swung from never talking about it to it being all over and neither way is helpful in a healthy married relationship.
I have had an open door policy with my sons but that still does not stop issues from happening. The media should not be our source of information or school. It is not a disease it is a normal human thing. Great article.
I remember growing up in the home where sex was a forbidden word. There was only one reason to have sex and that was to reproduce. Now that I am a parents I an very out going when it comes to sex. I take every opportunity to educate my children about sex. I feel that the most important thing they need to know is sex is to be shared between two people as an act of love.
I feel whether couples are educated or not the sex issue in a relationship can be a touchy subject. Sex is important in a long term relationship, but communication is the key to any part of a good relationship. During my sexuality psychology class I found that most couples will not admit that they are not satisfied with their sex life due to fear of rejection or worried about letting his or her partner down.
This is awesome…
Very good artical. We, people from east world, most are not very open, especially in this part. But, i think this artical may be a good course for some parents or couples.
HI, pretty interesting article..! I have two questions.
1. What are the things about sex that a guy and a girl has to talk? before or after marraige?
2. What are the things about sex that a father has to talk with his children?
Thanks, Jason. But help me here. You mentioned people “from the east.” Are you from Asian descent? I had an interesting chat with a young youth pastor of an Asian-American church in Chicago when I was speaking on the issue of sexuality at a pastor’s conference there. When I mentioned the issue of shame as a huge factor that kept people form bringing up and talking about sexual issues from a biblical perspective or addressing sexual struggles in a meaningfully helpful way, i.e. like the plague of pornography that is ripping at the fabric of our society, he shared that it was even more difficult for him because he referred to his culture as “shame-based.” Is that what you’re referring to? Can you explain more what you mean?
Those are two great questions that don’t have easy answers. When I’m doing premarital counseling with a couple, I ask them to write out their sexual histories. That includes what their exposure and experience has been with sex from childhood to the present. The reason being is that too many of the couples that I meet with in marital counseling later have never really talked about their sexual history. It’s essential that a couple be open and honest with each other about who they are in this relationship and what they bring–their sexual experiences, their understanding of their sexuality, how they came to learn about sex, who taught them about sex, previous sexual partners, std’s, sexual struggles, addictions, experience with porn, and past sexual abuse.
I know all that sounds overwhelming, but placing the cards face up on the table before a couple gets married is critical for building trust in the relationship and for a heads up as to some of the issues that will come up in the relationship. Remember: the past does impact the present and future.
Regarding what a dad needs to tell children about sex, I believe it’s the parent’s responsibility to teach their children about sex–not the church or the schools, and certainly not MTV or the media. That doesn’t mean that the church can’t or shouldn’t teach about sex. I think that the church’s role is vital to support and supplement what parents are called to do. The key role of the church is to educate and equip parents on how to talk about sex to their kids. But it’s not just a dad thing. It’s a collaborative effort that is shared between mom and dad.
As a father, I talked to my son about sexuality, of why God made men and women different, of how beautiful sexuality is and how God intends sexual intimacy to be the exclusive and exquisite bedroom celebration between a husband and wife of the love that has been made outside of the bedroom. That’s huge for our children to hear a positive, beautiful, wholesome, and yes, holy description of sexuality from someone they can trust. That also opens up the door for further conversations that will inevitably come up later as they are hit with all the false messages of sexuality that are being forced in the media, schools, and in the streets.
My wife took the lead of talking to my daughters. I have had frank conversations with both of my daughters about sexual issues, and have handled a lot of questions.
What my wife and I have tried to do for our kids is to be available for conversations. No questions are “off limits.” Yes, even the questions like, “Dad, I heard this word used today, !@#$%&*. What does that mean?” Yes, Jim Dobson was right when he said, “Parenting isn’t for cowards!” That’s for sure! Don’t be shy with your kids. Honest questions deserve honest answers. So if you want your kids to come to you with real questions and have real conversations that matter, then give them straight answers that they can understand. They’ll respect you for it.
Now I know I haven’t answered all your questions by a long shot, but that’s where I’d suggest you start. Your thoughts?
My dad did not share with me about sex either. It was my older brother who did. He was probably 13 years old and I was about 11 years old. To say the least, I was not too informed about the real importance of knowing why and how God made sex when I was at that young age. I have never had a meaningful, healthy relationship with the opposite sex my entire life. I am past my prime in life. I have never been married and, of course, have no children.
I have carried a lot of shame around with me most of my adult life that is associated with the inadequacies I have felt as a man in my relationships with women, in particular. I am a Christian, so I have a deep felt desire to rid myself of this shame and to be free in my sexuality, even though I am not attached to anyone. It is a spiritual battle between what is God’s plan for me and the sinful nature that is a part of me. I need to connect with this root problem deep inside of me, this sense of failure as a man, and learn to replace it with the wholesome plan God has set for me as a man and to be the man I was created to be. It is an ongoing and never ending process.
It bothers me to no end when I hear men say that they don’t have sex often enough. They complain it they go a week, a month, a few months without being intimate. They speak as if it’s given them a cancer and they are going to die from it. Please.
I’m the victim of an adultress spouse and following our divorce 10 years ago, I have kept myself for engaging in “casual relationships”. I can honestly say that after 10 years without being intimate I have failed to fall over dead yet. So the next time you guys want to complain that your libido isn’t active enough, just remember that there’s much more to a relationship than that and being abstinent won’t kill you.
I am a victim of sexual abuse. It happened throughout my childhood up until the age of 12.
Now answer me this, do you believe I had my first baby at the age of 15? Well it is very true and I have had two more since. Their father was a controlling and abusive man. I no longer reside with him.
I am now trying to deal with the fact that I might be addicted to sex.
I say this because I feel better about myself if I am sharing my time with a man. I define my happiness when I am with a man. It is disgusting and I don’t feel like it is really me when I do it. But it is me that gratifies in it.
I need some insight on this very provocative subject. I don’t want to subject myself as a whore, but I feel that is where I am headed if I don’t read into this more.
Please don’t judge me, just help me.
No one,
First, let me say that you are not a no one. You are a special “Some One.” And we’re glad you contacted us.
Second, we aren’t here to judge you. We want to help. Jesus didn’t come to earth to judge it. He came to save save us because he knew there wasn’t anything we could do to save ourselves.
It took a lot of courage for you to reach out. I know there’s a lot of shame attached to the wounds that you carry from your past sexual abuse as a child. That was never your fault. Never.
But you’re left with the scars.
However, one of the lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse perpetrated against a little girl is that it completely distorts her view of who she as a woman who has been made in the image of God and is worthy of love and respect. The fact that you stated, “I define my happiness when I am with a man,” tells me this is true for you.
God never intended for a woman to find her validity in the response of any man. You, as a woman, are called to reflect the beauty of God himself in your life. That’s who he created you to be. And, by His redeeming grace, what you can become again.
Please seek out the help of a trained counselor to help you work through the past of your sexual abuse. It’s very hard and painful work, but it can transform the rest of your life when you have a reliable guide to help guide you through the journey.
A book and workbook like Dan Allender’s Wounded Heart would be an extremely valuable resource for you to work through with a reliable guide.
I pray you will believe the truth–that you are deeply loved by the God who wants to rescue you from a life of being defined by sexual encounters that numb your heart. He wants to bring you life (John 10:10) like you’ve never imagined possible. Please continue to make courageous steps towards life.
“Sex is an exquisite and exclusive celebration in the bedroom of the love that a couple has made outside of the bedroom. Sex isn’t the main event. It’s the delightful dessert that is to be savored after the nourishment of a hearty meal of meaningful relationship.”
Oh what a beautiful way of expressing that word. Simply superb. I really liked it. I think a meaningful relationship is the key… Thank you for this article.
I think this is THE MOST wonderful definition I have ever seen for this. Thank you.