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Infidelity . . .
Infidelity. It sounds like such a benign word, doesn’t it? It just seems to harmlessly roll off the tongue. Sadly, we’ve almost come to expect it with the media’s regurgitation of every lurid detail of yet another celebrity scandal–from political figures and pop icons, to sports heroes and yes, unfortunately, even religious leaders. It seems that we’ve become so accustomed to hearing about infidelity that we’re rarely even shocked by it any more, as though it’s become the new normal.
However, as was seen most recently in 
the Tiger Woods expose–infidelity is not benign. It’s an emotional, relational, and spiritual malignancy, and when left unexposed and untreated–it eventually consumes just about everything in it’s path.
But, Tiger isn’t the only one who has trouble with being unfaithful . . . is he? If we’re honest, that’s a problem we all have. I’m consistently counseling with couples who are trying to piece back together the shards of their marriages that have been shattered by infidelity. What’s alarming is that it’s not primarily just a man thing any more either. There’s an increasing number of women who, in their attempt to be “just like men” have stooped to imitating some of the worst attributes of men. And infidelity certainly is an attribute unbecoming to any man or woman because it crushes one of the foundational building blocks that’s essential for any relationship to thrive. Trust.
Now you may push back, “But that’s not my problem. I’ve never cheated on my spouse.” Great! But infidelity is far more than following through with adulterous behavior. Infidelity goes to the heart of who we are. Fantasizing about an illicit sexual relationship is just as wrong as acting out the fantasy. Now, granted, following through with a full fledged affair has far more devastating consequences than just thinking about it, but it’s only a matter of degrees. Let me explain.
No, I’ve never cheated on my wife. But I have I ever thought about it? Have I ever look lustfully at another woman other than my wife? Are you kidding? Yes. Do I do it all the time? Of course not. But in Jesus’ words, I’m guilty of having an adulterous heart. Yes. And, if you’re honest, so do you. Note the weightiness of Jesus words in Matthew 5:27-28:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Jesus first quotes the Seventh Commandment from the Ten Commandments in Exodus 20:14 which states clearly and simply, “You shall not commit adultery.” But knowing the attitude of the 1st Century people as he did, Jesus knew that there had been an erosion of the weightiness of the commandment from Moses’ day. Many, while following the letter of the law, were still withholding their hearts from God. (Matthew 15:8; Mark 7:6; cf. Isaiah 29:13). That’s infidelity.
Jesus raises the stakes by making infidelity more an issue of the heart than of the body. Yes, it’s wrong to have an affair and to be unfaithful to your spouse. The consequences are devastating for all. But toying with infidelity in your heart is just as lethal to one’s relationship with God and eventually sabotages any meaningful intimacy with one’s spouse.
So, the real question isn’t “What about Tiger?” It’s really, “What about you?” When was the last time you were unfaithful? How did you handle it? Or did you just hide it like it’s no big deal because everyone does it? Does the exposure of infidelity in yet another public figure cause you to reflect more on where your heart is than on their public sin? If so, then you’re focusing on the right place–your heart.
Remember: Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23). S0 . . . how’s your heart?
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Not good. This post is troubling. I looked up those verses in order to be certain that this what “God” thinks. I didn’t really like the result. Sometimes I think I’m learning to much. Knowledge tends to rock your world. One major cataclismic crash and burn. One more thing for God to hate. If we can sin in our hearts the same as we can physicaslly engage in “sin”, then what hope do we have??
I know what you mean. The light of truth can often expose us in ways that are terribly uncomfortable. However, I derive comfort from two additional truths that I constantly need to be reminded of.
First, my sin is unmanageable. Initially that doesn’t sound comforting, but it is. While I might be able to curb behavior by rigid self-discipline, I just can’t change my heart. Deep internal transformation of heart is the work of God’s Spirit. I must humble myself to submit to His open-heart surgery for substantial change to take place.
Second, I am loved. The God who knows all and sees all that is true about me–the good, the bad, and the ugly–loves me more than I can even begin to imagine.
So while I’m hopelessly and fatally flawed (Romans 3:23), I am lavishly loved (John 3:16; 1 John 3:1). And that’s why I’m hopeful in spite of myself.
Some things are just stranger than fiction. This whole post has been on my mind, more than I’ve appreciated, and then along comes my son to kind of drive it home. I noticed in the mail this afternoon that his weekly sports Illustrated copy happened to be the swim suit edition. I kept it aside until he got home and then asked if he’d please keep it in his room and out of reach of his younger brothers. In the past I’d discretely thrown them away, but felt that now that he is an adult, it was his choice to make. His response sent me back to this post. He backed up as if the thing was on fire, stating that he’d requested in his subscription that they not send the swimsuit edition, and that he’d be contacting them to ensure that they get it marked down this time. He then asked me to put it through the document shredder. I was suprised, agreed to do so, but then asked him why. Maybe I should know why, but whatever. I’m new to this. He told me that he is in a commited relationship and there is no place for it in his life. I thought he meant his long time girlfriend whom he plans to propose to, but while he agreed with me that yes, he wants to honor her, his main reason is because of his commitment to God. He told me that what he does in his heart, before God, is no different than doing it out right.
Just weird. I hate it when my kids make me think more than I make them think. It’s not right.
I am guilty of the sin of infidelity as well as my husband. We have seen the consequences of being unfaithful in act and heart. We both need a clean heart. We are tying to build trust back but it is very hard. He is going to Las Vegas and wanted to know if he could go to a women’s strip club, I see this as a lustful act. I told him he could if it made him happy but I know that I have just given in to the sin also. What do you think? Thanks Jeanne
I’m hoping God see’s this because I’m starting to think he’s trying tell me something and apparently doesn’t think I get it yet. The following was something I read today, sort of by chance. It’s apparently an excerpt from some book. It related to how I’ve been feeling since reading this post. I’m also thinking that maybe posting under my real name wasn’t the brightest decision. But then again, why keep hiding.
This is some authors thought about what God might think…
“What if I tell them who they are? What if I take away any element of fear in condemnation, judgement or rejection? What if I tell them I love them, will always love them? That I love them right now, no matter what they’ve done, as much as I love my only Son? That there’s nothing they can do to make my love go away? What if I tell them there are no lists? What if I tell them I don’t keep a log of past offenses, of how little they pray, how often they let me down, made promises that they don’t keep? What if I tell them they are righteous, with my righteousness, right now? What if I tell them they can stop beating themselves up? That they can stop being so formal, stiff, and jumpy around me? What if i tell them I’m crazy about them? What if I tell them, even if they run to the ends of the earth and do the most horrible, unthinkable things, that when they come back, I’d receive them with tears and a party? What if I tell that if I am their Savior, they’re going to heaven no matter what-it’s a done deal? What if I tell them they have a new nature – saints, not saved sinners who should now ‘buck-up and be better if they were any kind of christians, after all he’s for you!’. What if I tell them that I actually live in them now? that I’ve put my love, power, and nature inside of them, at their disposal? What if I tell them they don’t have to put on a mask? That it is ok to be who they are at this moment, with all their junk. That they don’t need to pretend about how close we are, how much they pray or don’t, how much Bible they read or don’t. What if they knew they don’t have to look over their shoulder for fear if things get too good, the other shoe is gonna drop? What if they knew I will never, ever use the word punish in relation to them? What if they knew that when they mess up, I will never “get back at them’? What if they were convinced that bad circumstances aren’t my way of evening the score for taking advantage of me? What if they knew the basis of our friendship isn’t how little they sin, but how much they let me love them? What if I tell them they can hurt my heart but I will never hurt theirs? What if I tell them there is no secret agenda, no trapdoor? What if I tell them it isn’t about their self effort, but allowing me to live my life through them?”
It was kind of long winded but anyway, it made me think about this site and many of it’s posts. It made me really wonder, “What If?” You know, what if God really thought that? What if he included infidelity in that? What if it’s all true? Who could explain love like that?
I don’t even know the title of the book. I don’t know if the guys a whack job. It just made me wonder, “what if?”
I just wonder what life would look like.
It made me think that it would make you want not to sin. You know, guard your heart, like the ending of the post says. Above all else.
Just thinking…
I have seen infidelity first hand and it has taken my marriage. But what do you do when you know in your heart that its start was because of problems that the person is not willing to see are there in them. what do you do for that person when it has now taken their family, job,friends, and god from them. When they believe that the person that they are with is right for them and is letting them become someone they are truely not. How do you get someone to turn back to god the way they were and see that god can make that emptiness that they had felt go away. How do you help them when they think that they are happy even though you and everyone else can see that it has changed them. I pray daily that god will help this person and will get them the help that they need but this infedlity has moved them to a new person that is making them feel that all is better when it is truely taking the life out of them. I know that god is the answer for this person and other help too. I just don’t know how else to get this person back to god. what do you think
It has been over a year since my husband had an emotional affair and things are still really bad for us. He thinks it was not an affair even though he came home and told me he loved her, loved her a lot. He also thinks it should be over with since we are still together. But after all the horrible things he said to be about not ever loving me the whole 36 years we had been married it has been real hard. He also thinks that I am just suppose to believe that he never loved her even though he told me he did more than once and was going to leave me. He destroyed me and our grown sons with this and thinks that I should believe him when he says he loves me now and never meant anything that he said to me. To this I say you should have never done this to begin with and spent so much time talking to her and staying late and following her almost home all the time. He even lost his job and now we may lose everything because of what he did. But I am suppose to be the happy person I was before he did all of this. The thing that hurts is both of them were going to church and saying how much they loved GOD when they were cheating on their spouse the whole time.
People really need to think before they take action and if they really believe in GOD’S word heed it and things like this won’t happen.
Debbie, I’m saddened by your story. Not because of how you’re feeling, but because of how you have been maliciously treated by a narcissistic husband who created a whirlwind of devastation with his adulterous affair (yes, it was an affair) and then expects you to “forget it” like it never really happened. You can’t. And you shouldn’t. Sloppy forgiveness that doesn’t call for radical consequences for his foolishness isn’t biblical. And it certainly isn’t what the Bible expects of you as a wife who has been betrayed by her husband’s adultery.
He’s proven by his words and actions that he is a liar who can’t be trusted. You really need to be in counseling to deal with the aftermath of your husband’s affair. And right now, I wouldn’t recommend marital counseling. He needs to seriously work on his issues, otherwise, it will only be a matter of time before he does this again. Without him being sincerely broken over his sin, no meaningful reconciliation in your marriage is possible.
Check out my booklet, When A Spouse Is Unfaithful, and other materials on the helpformylife website that address the issue of infidelity: http://www.helpformylife.org/Departments/Marriage-and-Family/Affairs–Unfaithfulness.aspx
hi Debbie,
my mum has passed through the same situation as yours. Well it’s not completely alike as there is domestic violence and that my father is not a christian.
Always have faith, God will find a way to your situation. As he says :I am the Way, the Truth and the Life Jean 14:6
always depend on him.