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Ambushed by Grief
It sneaks up on you. Unsuspecting. Then . . . out of no where . . . wham! You get hit by a wave of loss that leaves you reeling, wondering what just happened. Could it be true? Is this real? You scramble to get your bearings. Wham! You’re hit from a different direction. Your once stable world has been thrown into turmoil. Your thoughts are confused. Your emotions are all over the map. There’s nothing firm beneath your feet. It’s as if the bottom has fallen out of your life. It has.
That’s the experience of being ambushed by grief.
We witnessed it at the Vancouver Olympics. Before the celebration of the opening ceremonies even got stated, grief invaded. Nodar Kumaritashvili, a 21-year-old luge athlete from Georgia died in a tragic accident during a training run on the Whistler course. While we know that the world of sports is dangerous, his untimely death stunned the Olympic community and gripped the hearts of millions of viewers around the globe who were folded vicariously into the grief for this young man whom they’d never met but whose life was snuffed out far too soon. We hurt for a family and village that had lost one of it’s own.
Then, only a few short days later, Joannie Rochette, Canada’s best hope for a medal in women’s figure skating unexpectedly lost her 55-year-old mother just two days prior to her Olympic competition. We witnessed her pain and courage on the ice in the presence of her excruciating loss. Even in the best of circumstances, when celebration is the mood and life seems to be going well, grief can–and often does–invade without warning.
When the earth shakes and buildings topple, loses mount up exponentially. The earthquake ravaged island nation of Haiti is still struggling to crawl out from under the heap of devastation from the January 12, 2010 earthquake. Less than 7 weeks later, grief struck again. The people of Chile were rocked by an even larger earthquake.
Our hearts are often touched by these and other stories of loss because they grimly remind us that our lives are littered with grief, because we’ve all sustained losses. No one is exempt. Grief comes to us all. And no matter how well we may have planned for it, we are still woefully unprepared for it when it arrives. When it finally comes, we most often feel ambushed.
From Old Testament to the New, the writers of Scripture speak of grief too. They knew what it was like to lose those they loved. They grieved. But grief didn’t have the last word.
Paul made it clear that trusting in God doesn’t exempt Jesus followers from grief. Instead, he qualified our grief as being different than those without faith in 1 Thes. 4:13 when he wrote that we don’t “grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.” Paul’s grief with hope echoes the words of King David who wrote 1,000 years earlier in Psalm 30:5, “. . . weeping may remain for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”
Jesus was the epitome of grief with hope. He groaned with grief. He wept with His friends over the loss of their sibling and His friend (John 11:33-35). Please notice that grief with hope doesn’t hurt less. In fact, if you love deeply as God has freed you to love, you will hurt deeply when you lose those you love. Jesus modeled that too. The depth of His grief demonstrated the depth of His love (John 11:36).
So, where do you turn when you feel ambushed by grief? You turn somewhere. But, where? Unfortunately, we all naturally turn to people and things other than God. I’d love to hear what you’ve learned from your experiences with grief without hope as well as with grief with hope.
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Grief & I & my family have known each other very well for almost 12 yrs. We lost 2 sons, Adrian 20 yrs, and Mikey, 16 yrs, on 06-06-98. They were murdered in a drive by shooting. 8 people were shot that evening and my 2 sons were the only ones who died. Not that I wanted any other young man to have received the fatal shot that night. A parent should never have to experience the loss of their children before we move on. Their futures have been destroyed. We have been robbed of our future generations. We donated my oldest son’s organs and several lives were saved. We keep in contact with the heart recipient who lives in Michigan. We were able to donate Mikey’s duramatter, the covering of the brain to help people with brain cancer or tumors. What would my sons be doing right now? They could be working, be married and raising their children, which are my GRANDCHILDREN. My third young son was 8 yrs old at the time of the loss of his brothers. He is now 20 yrs old. Right after my sons died, my young son & I accepted Jesus Christ as our Saviour and we were both baptized. I had put this off for years. At 16 yrs my young son exploded with his grief for his brothers. He started doing drugs which led to trouble with the law. He was on probation, then parole and then the judge sentenced him to prison. I believe my son needed help with his drug problem than being sent to prison. He was to come home in 12-09 but a fight broke out on his floor and even though he was not a participant, he was punished as if he had fought or started the fight. Therefore, this led to one more year of prison until his eligibility date of 11-10. My husband and I, who have been married for almost 33 yrs, have been there along for our son. I know GOD does not place more on our plate than we can handle. This is our only son and I want to see the beginning of his FUTURE life while we are both still here. I know that Jesus does all things for a reason but I pray that he brings him home sooner than expected. I know HE is the only one who can provide a miracle. The young men and women who murdered my 2 sons are still LIVING and I know they will receive the final judgement one day. The one on death row has had almost 12 yrs more than my sons at appeals so an execution date has yet to be set. I have never been angry or upset with them because I have entrusted them to Jesus. I just want my only son to be able to have a FUTURE. We didn’t expect any of these situations to happen with our 3 sons. We only have one son left and we would like to see him happy out here in the FREE world. May GOD bless and protect him at the prison he currently is residing at so that he can come home sooner than expected. My deep faith in Jesus Christ keeps me going but I still do not know the answers to the WHYS but I leave it all in HIS care.
After losing our dear sweet 14 year old Hannah to cancer, I find reading books on heaven help a bit. Nothing will take away the heartache, but knowing where she is helps me a bit. The book “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn is very good and all gleaned from scripture.
It is amazing how the grief grips me sometimes when I don’t expect it.
You’re so right. My dear friend just passed. She’s young, has a wonderful husband and a 7 year old boy.
So, we turn to things that comfort our flesh. As if God doesn’t reach that far or something.
I was devistated then doing so well. Remarkably so. Then… the ground opened up.
You’re right. We do turn to things and people. Being believers we spiritually can wrap ourselves around the idea that this isn’t goodbye. Not so much with our fleshly emotions.
It’s such a hard thing to do. To turn our WHOLE selves to Him.
Thank you for posting this.
My precious daughter died suddenly of lung failure due to Spinal Muscular Atrophy. She was my everything. So my whole world fell apart. I found grief books helpful, but spent most of my time praying to God. In the end, when there is nothing else and no one else you discover that the only help comes from God and God only. People can’t feel your pain but God knows exactly what you feel when you are feeling it. His help comes slowly but in the stages when and how it is needed. You have to face grief head on even when those “freak ocean waves” of grief ambush you. You need and have to go through all the stages and many over and over. It’s part of healing and He blesses us with tears to help wash the pain away. He allows his help and healing to work slowly inside of you. So, the only help and the best helps comes from within placed there by God and the Holy Spirit.
One month ago I was ambushed by grief once again when my mother suddenly passed away. My father has also been gone for 5 years. So, now I have had 3 key people in my life go on before me. I am still having and going through extreme grief over my little girl who was only 9 and passed 3 years ago. So, my mother’s passing is a large set back as I am still dealing with my daughter’s passing. I again am leaning on the Everlasting Arm as I know my help and healing can only come from Him. Jesus is the Great Counselor and people are phoning me asking if I’m okay. I have not sought out comfort from friends or family as I have it with me all the time in Jesus. I just tell them “I’m okay”. I know God would say to me “Peace, be still. I am God”.
I have been suffering from terrible back pain for the past 20 years with the last 7 being the worst. I had to quilt my job and all of my activities including playing with my grandchildren.
I tried everything out there to try to take care of the pain. I went the gammet and nothing worked, so 3 years ago, i had major spine surgery and that fail also. Thus I began trying everything all over to no avail.
When I look back on it, all I should have done was to pray and pray and pray. Because all the experts were unable to do anything to help me.
it is so very difficult living this way. I know what you all are saying. No point telling other how bad you feel, because they cannot feel your pain and they cannot do anything for you.
So, I continue to pray (the best I can) and I believe that when God is ready and in his time, not mine, I will be healed. I worry because I feel that I am not able to be of value to anyone or to use the talents God has given me. Amen
Im 19yr old doing youth ministry in a small village called NAZARETH in India.I DESIRE TO LIVE A HOLY LIFE THAT CAN PLEASE MY JESUS….BUT unfortunately failed,i become a slave for the lust….sex….porn…..& all sinful habits i involved…..i did many shame things…..when i think abt me i thought of myself as an “sinner”_ watching porn movies is my deathly sin….satan hits me in tat area…..JESUS TOLD “LIVE AS AN PEOPLE OF LIGHT”_I WANT TO LIVE MY REST OF MY YOUTH TO JESUS !what can i do ?
Brawin, thanks for your courage in sharing your struggles and asking for help in this powerful battle for your heart. Porn is lethal to the heart of a man. Check out our resources to help you battle with pornography under the topic of addictions on the HelpForMyLife.org home page. The “Trapped” DVD and the booklet, “When A Man’s Eye Wanders”, are great resources to encourage you along the way of making courageous choices to say “no” to lust and “yes” to healthy sexuality.
My friend Pam was diagnosed with breast cancer two months after she found out that they were expecting their fourth child. Two weeks later she was urged to terminate the pregnancy in order to receive potentially life saving chemo and radiation. She was told that if she terminated and started treatment immediately she had a good chance of beating it, and that if she chose not to terminate, the cancer would be so advanced that treatment likely would not save her. She and her husband chose life for their child and faith in the God who had blessed them with that child. Their only daughter was delivered three weeks early in order to start my friends treatments as soon as possible given their decision. It was to late. She (mom) died of cancer when their little girl was nine months old. Pam gave her life for her child, her husband gave the life of his wife, and God took her life.
I lost my Best Friend my Mom a year ago January after a 10 year battle with Alzheimer’s. I was devastated; and felt all alone. I spent countless hours toiling away with my Hobby model trains attempting to forget my hearts pain. But it wasn’t till I went to a Bible Study at a near by Church that I began to find the peace that God had there for me all along. As stated earlier things will never be the same, but I now realize that not only that it was goodbye but that I’m never alone. Our God is Always there with us and his Love and our Loved ones Love lives on through him.
Thanks for posting this.
Aug. 8th 1987, We lost our only son, he was 16-years old. We worked that day, and during that day a customer came by to tell me about a young family member being killed. She was upset and I held her in my arms and told her all the things I believed to be true. God never puts more on us than we can stand, He will never leave nor forsake us etc. Little did I know that when I got home that day I would need to remember all the things I had told my customer. Our son was lying on the sofa as we had left him that morning. His bloodsugar had bottomed out at 12, he was gone and I couldn’t bring him back. When help arrived I backed up in a corner and just before i lost my mind, I felt bubble’s on the bottom of my feet. The good Lord filled me with His wonderful peace and kept me from loosing my mind. It took me 12-years to clean his room out but the thing that matters most to me now is the knowledge that we will be together again. Our son had been saved the year before he passed away. This is the second time I have been able to write about it. Hope it helps someone.
Hello Tim,
I need to talk to you one on one.Is this possible?
God bless
E.
Hi Emma,
I’ve got limits because of content demands for the website, but, is there a question I may be able to respond to here?
Tim
I read these horrible trials that are being faced by those who have lost loved ones, or loved ones who have gone astray, relationship struggles, or wrestling with sin…Some of us struggle with internal battles of the mind and the “foxes that spoil the vine” (those things that chip away at our faith.)
It seems so impossible to “stand” through all of this. We are assaulted on every side by things that cause fear and grief. We are told to pray, to read the Word to fellowship with other believers.
What steps can those who struggle take to find their way out of the pit? How do we find our way back to emotional/spiritual balance and hope again? Sometimes it seems that God is distant in the grief and the coping mechanisms that the world offers (ie: drinking, drugs, overeating, smoking, addictive behaviors) are more readily accessible than God is. How do we keep standing when we feel so alone and weak and it’s easier to fall prey to those things that “deaden the pain” instead of waiting for God to help us?
Hello everyone thanks for good information.
Hello Tim,
I need to talk to you one on one.Is this possible?
God bless
E.
Death..I hate it and I suppose we are to hate it since it is part of the fall. I have been through so much grief in my life. I am 62 and have lost 2 husbands, father and most recently my best friend and Mother.
Nine years ago when I lost my second husband of 15 years I was so lost, I wanted to die and as I was telling God I could not live like this with the feeling of no Joy or purpose in my life, I felt the presence of the Lord and He said I would find my Joy and purpose in giving of myself to others and that not to put my faith and trust in anyone or anything for they can leave or go away or die but that He will never leave me nor forsake me, He is closer than a brother. So I found the closest Church and started volunteering for everything and soon my Joy did return and my purpose was a new one “to serve God” in whatever way He chooses for me. I started reading His word and it was amazing. My life had changed.
But this took time and now with the loss of my Mother, unexpectedly, who helped me through the loss of my husband and was my best friend, (I had talked with her every night since the death of my husband (I have no children), I wonder at times if I am able to “do the time”. I know I can but only with His help, it is so painful. The thing that bothers me this time around is that my heart feels hardened. I quote the scripture, I cry out to God and like someone else said on here it seems sometimes that he is far off. The thing that helps me right now the most is to be grateful for all the wonderful blessings God has bestowed upon me, none of that has changed, I am still blessed and if I allow this grief to cause me to forget His blessings that are still true and active then it makes them null and void so I make myself give thanks everyday for all things, even for the years God gave me my Mother.
I think about Job who said, after all his losses, “even though you slay me I will still love you”. I think I need to get back to giving of myself again. Another strange thing about grief is sometimes I feel guilt if I catch myself smiling or laughing. I have to remind myself that this is not from God, (guilt) and my Mother would not want me to be miserable.
We do need to grieve but I find that I just can not (again) live with so much sadness in my life, with no joy or purpose. Our great and wonderful God, who is love, still has plans for all of us and wants to use us to reach out to others. “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted” and then once we are comforted we are to comfort others. And I pray that God will “put a right spirit within me and change my hardened heart to flesh again” so that I am able to start serving HIm again and reach out to others again. It takes time I guess, that is what is so difficult. Hope, we hope upon hope as Abraham did.
Thank you for this blog. I searched and searched for something about losing a loved one. I needed this. May the love and peace of our Heavenly Father be upon you all.
Linda e. Jacksonville, Fl
Linda, thank you for sharing your pain deeply from your heart. You’re right. Grief is just plain hard. And, yes, we should hate death. And, if we live long enough, eventually we lose everything and everyone. Death is one of the final enemies that will be destroyed when God makes His dwelling with men and women . . . “there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of this has passed away” (Rev. 213-4). I’m looking forward to that day too. But till then, we push on . . . and share our pain with others as well as our comfort too. Paul’s words encourage us here, “For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows” (2Cor.1:5). Check out the rest of Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 1. And, check our our booklet on grief and loss at: http://www.helpformylife.org/Products/How-Can-I-Live-With-My-Loss-%28Booklet%29__CB921.aspx
Thanks again, Linda, for taking the time to share your heart with others in a way that will encourage them to keep moving on. May God bless you richly.
Thank you Tim,
I have just downloaded the booklet. Thank you for sharing “Truth” with me. I pray I will be able to share the comfort with others. God’s Love is with us all, through all, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Many Blessings, Linda
Thank you again Tim,
Thank you so much for the copy of your book on grief, “How can I live with my loss”?, (you gave me the link above). It is the best one I have read and I have read a few. I will re-read it many times I am sure, it really helped me.
One really important thing is I feel you have validated my pain and that I am not slipping or going crazy or weak, just human and that someone else has felt what I feel. I have heard so many times “she’s in a better place” and even today someone said “still”? when I said i was having a bad day. I know they mean well and don’t know what else to say and I am sure I have said the same things to others but I won’t any longer. I will just hug them and say I know how painful it is and offer them a copy of your book. It also renews my hope for a future to go on in whatever God has for me.
Another really important thing it has done for me is it opened my eyes to the fact that I had lost the confidence of faith in what happens when we leave here and that I will see my loved ones again and that this is not my home. The first time that revelation came to me it brought me such joy but this time it didn’t, maybe my walk with the Lord was not as strong this time. Or maybe it is just too soon to think in that area. Maybe later.
I also think I thought that since I had gone through this one time 9 years ago, with the loss of my husband, this time would not be as bad. Wrong! it doesn’t work like that. It is just as bad, maybe worse because of thinking I should be stronger this time or I shouldn’t feel this much pain. wrong again. I loved it where you said “when you love deep, the pain is deep”, that makes so much sense to me. I also loved your stages and how we need to try to get back into life. That seemed impossible to me but after reading your book it no longer seems impossible.
You touched on so many things I needed to hear. Time, it will just take time and we can not rush it.
I can tell you have suffered and share this deep pain with us. I thank you so much for sharing it with me. May God continue to bless you in your work. Linda E.
WOW.. thank u… I know that loss is hard.. It may sound stupid but 6 months ago God took my best friend. He took Bear my 9 year old dog that had come to me so wounded and so abused, and left so loved and so whole. But the sadder part is that over the last year God has taken several of my friends as well. One by death, another got mad because I told her that I could not handle her lying anymore and I wrote an email to her cousin when her cousin asked me. BUT NONE of those have been as hard on me as losing my Bear. I could not sleep in my bed for nearly 5 months because that was where she died. I miss my Bear and because the Bible speaks of dogs as less than I struggle with where her spirtit is. I am over 47 years old and am physcially disabled so Bear was a life line to me. How do I overcome this grief? I miss her and am wondering why God is taking everyone I care about away… It becomes 2 much at times. You know? I have lost so many in my life. I lost my signifigant other to brain cancer 10 years ago, my father died when I was 17 and the career path that I had before I became disabled I saw a great deal of death. But the personal stuff well that is 2 much.I have 12 years of soberity and so I know how to bounce back. But losing my Bear is just like to much. When does God stop taking things away from people?