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Are you in control or controlling?
There’s a lot written about controlling people. They are people who must be in control of every detail of their lives. They can be CEO’s who manage multimillion dollar international corporations or moms who are running the home front with 2 preschoolers, a first grader, and a new puppy. Both can be extremely demanding occupations, and each with their own rewards. Granted, the former is often compensated with lucrative bonuses and stock options while the later is compensated with sticky hugs, slobbery kisses, and memories that last a lifetime–and stains that you’ll never get out not matter how much Spray & Wash you use.
But is there a difference between being in control and being controlling? Absolutely. One is essential. The other is destructive.
If a car is hurling down the highway at 70mph, I certainly do hope there’s someone in control of the vehicle. Anyone who has ever driven on icy roads in the winter and experienced “black ice” conditions is familiar with the terror of not being in control. Control of a vehicle is good. Otherwise, it’s irresponsible at least and lethal at worst.
To take control in situations where there is chaos–like a hospital ER, the scene of an auto accident, or an air traffic control tower–is a responsible thing to do. That’s not being controlling. It’s harnessing your power, skills, authority, and resources to restore order to an otherwise chaotic and potentially dangerous 
situation. Taking control in situations that require intervention is a productive example of responsible strength in action to bring about a good purpose. The focus is on how it benefits others. And we all can learn and be trained how to do that more effectively.
However, we all know controlling people. You know, the ones who think the world revolves around them. They feel the need to control others not because it’s best for others, but because it’s best for themselves. They don’t trust anyone else to get things right. They only trust themselves. They are fundamentally insecure, driven, and self-absorbed. And just plain no fun to be around.
People who are controlling are driven to be the god of their universe. Just like the Evil One who nursed a craving to take the place of God in the world, so also people who are controlling are determined to bend the will of others to their own. Listen to Isaiah’s words:
How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star, son of the dawn!
You have been cast down to the earth, you who once laid low the nations!
You said in your heart, “I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God;
I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, on the utmost heights or the sacred mountain.
I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.” (Isaiah 14:12-14)
Bottom line, it’s the “I will’s” of the heart that reduced Lucifer from being the beautiful one into the ugly enemy of all that is good. When controlling people honestly begin to listen to what they are saying in their hearts, they will begin to hear a familiar refrain of desperation. And desperation based on disbelief eventually leads to the defiant “I will” kind of attitude and actions that are classified as controlling.
Okay. Here’s the rub. We all have control issues. I mean it. We all have serious control issues. It looks different on each of us–just like the same clothes look different on each of us given our unique body shape, eye and hair color, and height–but we all struggle with control. We’re vulnerable and we know it. And we all need to learn how to not be defiantly controlling but responsibly in control.
Controlling people are desperately trying to control their world because they don’t really believe that God has their best interests in mind. Have you ever been there? I sure have. While I’m delighted to say that it’s gotten better over the years, I’m saddened to say that my disbelief hasn’t been fully eradicated.
“But,” you may say, “I trust God.” Yep. Me too. And yet, at some core heart level, I must admit that I still battle with pockets of defiant resistance. Abandoning oneself into God’s hands can often feel more reckless than responsible. Our refusal to trust Him is exposed. Believing that He really is good is the essence of true biblical faith “because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6).
So, now it’s your turn to sound off. How do you respond to the controlling people in your world? Or maybe a better question is, how do you respond when someone catches you being controlling? Have you ever caught yourself being controlling? Or, have you been negligent in taking responsible control in situations where others need your help? I’d love to hear what God is stirring in you.
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acceptance is the answer to my control problem. until i accepted the fact that i was an alcoholic i could not be sober. i accped the fact and asked god for help.turning my will over to him. i am now sober 10 yrs.praise God.trust in our God.
Being a single mom for the whole of my parenting life which is 32 years. I have found I have been both controlling and in control. My children were my barometer they would say things like, “mom, I have to learn that on my own. Quite trying to save me from life’s experiences”. My thought was let me help you not make the same mistakes I made but I thought about my parents trying to do everything for me and me never learning life’s lessons which resulted in 21 years of drug abuse.
So I guess in some areas I do both but I get my hand slapped when I am trying to control my children and other areas.
I meant quit not “quite”, lol.
I myself have tried to control my children! I have come to realize that I myself have no control of myself, so therefore I battle each and every day with my children as well as myself!
Great information! I’ve been looking for something like this for a while now. Thanks!
I’m definitely not in control of my life, on the contrary, I’ve made such a mess of it that things just seem hopeless. I’ve given up, I’ve lost the drive. So, I’ve decided to turn to God for help and it’s baby steps at the moment.
I can be controlling in the sense that when loved one’s try to help I cut them off, asking to be left alone, I need to figure this out on my own.
[...] Here’s a line from a good read: “Controlling people are desperately trying to control their world because they don’t really … [...]
I have control issues and I attend church and I believe in God and the fact that he is in control of everything that happens. I dont doubt that a bit. I just have a problem letting go of control. Does anyone have an idea how to take the baby steps? I dont want to control things, Im not even that good at it. I too seem to make messes of things and dont mean to.
It begins with one thing and infects everything else in your life, almost to the point of being out of control (the irrate behavior is exactly what it looks like ). It is the prayerful support of others that sustains. Thank you Jesus
I believe in God and I pray every day for varies problems. Twenty four years ago I use to get used and abused. I felt like a door mat so I had to do something about it. I have a husband and two married children and 5 grandchildren and we are a decent family. There is always someone out there to try and control me but no more because I get help from proffessional people by phone or through church and I stand up to them and if they don’t like it “IT IS THEIR PROBLEM”. Most important to speak to a proffension and a caring person.
Every day I give up alittle more control to The Holy Spirit, who represents Jesus Christ in this present age of Grace. There are many rough edges in my life and each trial or thorn that I endure for His name sake polishes me up a bit more for his Crown.. “I shall be like Him….”
Your choice of words are inspiring to me. They have left an impression upon my heart. Thank you for sharing so that I may hear something that I may have needed to hear.You are intellectually stimulating and it appears that God may be working through you. I will get there one too
My comment was in reference to what Elizabeth had said. I apologize ahead of time if I have distracted anyone from the main focus. My first time, I didn’t know!!
My comment is more of a question. Maybe this isn’t the right forum for this but any suggestions would be great. I have a 16 year old. He has been rebelling against my husband a me for over a year. I feel we have been overly controlling with him and this is why!? Would anyone know of a good resource on this topic as it would relate to teens?? I read Deborah’s comment and thought how it related to my situation.
Thanks
Tracy, thanks for sharing. I’m pleased that what you read helped you where you’re at. Keep checking back as we are attempting to post new blogs and also provide video and printed resources that will help you where you are struggling. Thanks again for the kind post.
I guess I am one who didn’t want to admit that I am a controller. Having had to bring up 3 little boys, on my own, because of my marriage breakdown, Ive had to be in control and therefore I have become a controller. Not a good place to be, or perhaps I should say …. not a good person to be. My sons are now in their 40′s and I am single again after 2 marriages. I am in a relationship for the past 2 years now and it’s not going so good as I am seeing that I an a controller. Being on my own for a lot of years I have become self-sufficent and my partner is having a problem with my independence. He’s always had to be the ‘man’, and all that comes with being a ‘man’, in his past 3 marriages. We are both ‘controllers’. We are both believers in Christ, and we both have a temper/anger problem. We love each other dearly and would love to have these issues resolved to the point that we can be united in marriage. Our ages….? we are in our early 60′s. I would love to have any and all Christian based suggestions/ counselling.