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More on abuse
I hope you don’t mind that I continue to blog a while about abusive marriages. It’s just that after I read some of the responses, I wanted to say more.
First, thank you for sharing your stories. It’s so important that we have a safe place to talk about what is happening.
Many mothers worry about how a divorce will affect their children. It’s so important to know that living in an abusive home can be more damaging and hurtful to a child than living through a divorce, if the divorce protects the children as well. Children are emotionally and psychologically hurt when they live in a home of domestic violence. If you pursue a divorce, find an attorney who will do all he or she can to also protect the children.
If you choose to try and work things out with an abusive spouse, please understand that you have chosen a long and difficult path. Part of the difficulty is that an abuser may try to rush and jump through all the hoops just to get back into the home. Often, he puts pressure on the abused wife to take him back. If he’s doing that, he’s not ready to come back home. Putting pressure on a spouse, no matter what it looks like, is manipulation and has been one of the ways he’s controlled you in the first place. He must get a grasp of what his manipulation looks like and why he’s doing it. Repentance means that he understands fully what he’s done, he’s broken up over it and he has a clear picture of the damage he’s done. Therefore, he will know how much work it’s going to take to rebuild your relationship and he won’t rush the process.
I see a lot of women feel obligated to take back a man who says he’s sorry. He cries and tells the pastor how sorry he is. He brings you flowers and tells you it will never happen again. You are not obligated to walk back into abuse. You and your children should feel safe in your own home. Without safety, you have no home; just four walls that can soon feel like a prison.
No one should make you feel that getting out of an abusive marriage is the wrong thing to do.
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What about adultery. Can someone tell me how I should handle that. How I should handle my husband deciding to move to another state and taking up friendship with another woman and him trying to make me feel guilty about finding him cheating. How can I confidently walk away and know that my salvation is secure. I have tried for 11 months to fix my marriage through lies and deceit and multiple woman. Now my step son chooses to live with me because my husband was subjecting him to meeting and hanging out with a woman. When will my husbands eyes be open and will it be too late. What am I supposed to do can someone tell me that.
thank you for writing this. You touched on something that has beenb making me feel confused.you’re supposed to forgive and i try to, but it only lasts for so long. My husband tells our children that he has said that he’s sorry but that i’m not willing to let it go.That he’s trying to move on and be happy but that I just hold onto everything because I can’t jut move on. This is making it so much harder. I don’t know what’s right. I don’t know how to move on like he does. One minute he is screaming and swearing, threatening and throwing things. The kids and I are terrified. But five minutes after it stopshe will walk by whistling in a great mood and say hey kids want to go throw the ball around. Its so sudden that I dont know how to make the shift. I know its my own failure. but I stil feel like my head is spinning. In the past if the kids were still upset and didnt want to go do something with him he’d get angry again. They’ve realized that he lets things go very easily. I just cant seem to do it. As he walks by whistling he stops and says to me very kindly “is something bothering you? You look upset.” If I answer that i’m still upset about what just happened he’ll turn on me and say “you just cant let things go can you? I’m in a great mood now and you just hve to throw it back in my face and destroy my good mood, dont you?” when he tells the children that i’m the one causing the problem because i hold onto things I feel like he’s turning them against me. This weekend they said as much. Mom, dad lets things go so fast and then he’s happy. You seem to hold onto it longer and that’s why he gets upset. I don’t know how to do what they’re asking. I’ve tried but it’s still all over my face even if i try to pretend everythings ok now. My husband can see it and when he just smiles and walks away I feel hopeless. I’m going to lose my kids because i just can’t function like that. It’s not that I’m angry I’m just feeling like i’ve been shredded and don’t know how to just shut it off.I’ve always believed that if I left that god would punish me. i’m starting to think that I’d rather be punished by god. i’ve been told that no matter what someone tells me that my place is with my husband and that god will not be be ok with my breaking up our marraige.my husband has the kids convinced that he is trying his hardest to provide for our family and make it so we can be happy and that I am the one trying to tear us apart. I understand now that I have to stay for our kids , but I don’t know how to change the way I need to change.My husband is liked very much at work adns seen as a wonderful husband father and godly man. He knows so many verses in the bible and I know none. almost no one sees what I see except a few neighbors but he doesnt care and wants nothing to do with them. I dont want to ruin his reputation. its not anyones business but when he s at church singing and smiling and talking all about god it makes me cringe. the thing is he doesnt want friends at church and if I start to get close to someone hes no longer happy there, we dont fit in and its time to move on to a better church. I dont even go anymore which makes that better. I dont know whats right. I do fear that every time there’s a sorry there’s an underlining warning that only i can read. But what if I’m wrong? What if I really am the one who is causing him to get angry. Then its my fault and god wont be ok with leaving. How can I know when i shouldn’t keep trying?
I have just come across this blog for the first time. Ironically these women are saying many of the things I have felt and said for decades. For most of our 28 year marriage my husband threatened to leave me. He was a tyrant and manipulator to say the least. Our children are grown now, and both have moved out of the house. Though I forgave my husband time and again of multiple affairs and abuse, last November he finally decided he would no longer keep up his facade of pretending to love or want me. He gave me a 2 week notice that he had secured a place and was leaving me to finally follow his heart. He gave every reason in the world, even using God in several of them. My biggest hurt was that no matter how old our children are, they were still devestated, and as virgin woomen who serve the Lord, their dad has left them with very little hope that God will send them someone – anyone worth two dead flies.
My husband has abused me so much over the years, by the time he left, I actually felt relieved. I only felt the devestation of disappointing God, which was heavy enough.
I have learned not to embrace or carry the sin of my husband. If he really wanted to be married, he would not have walked out. Unless I was being abusive to him, he had no grounds to leave. Since leaving, my husband has begun taking his guilt and blaming me for the demise of our marriage. I thank God that I have better sense than to accept or believe any of his lies. He cheated repeatedly, because he wanted to. He chose to embrace the sins of his father and to destroy his family just as his father had done his own.
I believe God loves me enough that I don’t have to feel guilty about not taking him back. Particularly, after he has walked out and had his fill of life with another or others. No, I am more than that, and so is every other woman.
As I did a study of Hosea once, when I was choosing to forgive my husband yet AGAIN for another infidelity, I came accross passage that I keep on my desktop in a folder. In Hosea, the Word speaks about God not punishing the sins of the woman, because of what her husband chose to do. Also in the Word, I find it comforting to know that God says that HE will be the one to judge the adulterer.
I used to carry a heavy yoke on my body and and a noose around my neck ready to die and fall into the pit of hell if I had to become divorced, even by my husband’s choice, because God would no longer love or accept me. NOT SO! God loves me, and I know it. He hates the sin of divorce and in Malachi He talks about how He hates a man covering himself when he has been unfaithful to his wife.
God knows the hearts of these creatures that He created. The Word says, “many a man claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful man, who can find one?” If the Bible says that, what should we expect. It is just sad that the book of Genesis says that, “Our hearts will be made towards our husbands.” I can’t figure out for the life of me, why didn’t God make man to LOVE women and not just LUST after them.
If there is “freedom in Christ,” then why is there such a feeling of guilt and condemnation on us when we have no control over someone who loves to willfully sin? I believe that the guilt and condemnation comes from a very very very long history of laws and rules made up for women by insecure intimidating men. Regardless of our nationality, women have lived in oppression forever. If God is no respetor of persons, than why are women so belittled, dogged and degraded?
Remember in the Bible, it was man who wanted to stone the woman caught in the act of adultery. But it was JESUS who said, “neither do I condemn the.”
The weight I carried was that I would make God angry by being divorced. Because I would want to love again, and remarry, and enjoy life with hopefully someone who was mature enough to persue the same. I refuse to carry that weight, that guilt and conddemnation anymore. God knows this sin has been in my husband’s heart and in his spirit since before I knew him. I have no power over his will, nor can I “fix him” no matter how long I wait around. He doesn’t want to be fixed. He wants to sin and be like Adam in Genesis, BLAME THE WOMAN!
It’s over, and I am a better person, still standing. He is trying to beat me down in this divorce. Trying to withhold what I deserve monitarily. He’s said numerous times about me that, “I am a horse that won’t be broken.” Funny, why would anyone want to break the spirit of a horse? No one except an untrained rider who was afraid.
I’ve been long winded. But my point is, “There is therefore, now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus will set you free, from the law of sin and death.” Embrace the ONE who really loves you – God Himself. Deal with the ones that He has given us to dwell with. WE teach people how to treat us. Therefore, after God, we MUST love ourselves in order to be whole, healthy and loved as we have been designed to be.
Don’t even know what to say, I’m just glad I have somewhere that I can come, where I am not judged and where someone else knows.
Actually everything was made clear to me tonight. A friend let me in on some apparently little known wisdom. Especially in the christian community. They can see that my husbands “behaviors” Likely stem from his years of dealing with a wife who has “issues” that he doesn’t know what to do with . The poor mans lack of knowing how to help me over the years, has caused him to bury his pain and feel like a failure, and become aggressive and angry and hurtful. It would be wise, I suppose, to look at how my own failures and issues may have caused him such frustration, agony and hopelessness that it has caused him to hide the real man that he is (gentle, kind and loving) and respond to the children and I the way he does. You know, there is truth there. I see now that I am the abuser.
There are so many of us with these same doubts and confusion. My husband runs so hot and cold I am not comfortable in my own house anymore. Neither are my children. They always wonder what kind of mood Daddy will be in… He has never been physically abusive, nor delivered outright insults, (he mutters them under his breath then denies he said anything)The moodswings have us all on eggshells. I have begun to examine my behavior in this light. I ask the Lord to show me what I need to do to uplift my husband, but seem to always be “getting it wrong”. In all other facets of my life I am seen as strong, professional, energetic, compassionate; yet at home I question my very existence.
To the victim of domestic violence whose husband yells and screams and makes you and the children feel afraid, and then 5 minutes later he’s whistling and asking the kids to play catch: he is exhibiting the cycle of abuse-he instills fear in everyone around him, and then he experiences satisfaction because he knows you fear him and then he acts as if everything is OK. But it is not. You are NOT the abuser and there is no excuse for his controlling tactics. Please understand that he has accomplished his goal if you believe that you are the problem. He’s got you where he wants you because then he doesn’t have to look at his own issues.
Allison,
I understand what you’re saying, I think, but he does not believe he has any issues.
That has been the theme of our marraige. I have tried to get him to enter counseling with me four times. Three of the four I told him we would separate if he was not willing to go. Goes once, and I pay for whatever the counselor says to him. “Control is extrememly important to you, Mr. X, isn’t it?” I do not want to allow him more control. I don’t. Can no one understand that he doesn’t need more control to accomplish what he wants? There is always an excuse. Always Allison. There is nothing I can do and there is no help. I’ve tried. I’m told to be strong, not allow him to control me. I would love to know what a woman who is 95 lbs. lighter and six inches shorter can do. Some believe that the police will intervene. Not in this city. Not unless you are seriously injured. I’ve tried that route when he was beating one of our children. I attempted to get him to come at me instead. He is not stupid. He also knows that anything he says or does to hurt the children, hurts me far more than if it was directed at me.
Ok, it’s not my fault. How does that help me. I know you people can’t give advice on here, but can you explain how not letting him win in blaming me, actually helps me? Even if I didn’t belive it he has me where he wants me, more afraid to leave than to stay. Yes I guess I’m a coward. I’ll tell you what though, when you have tried to get police involvement in the past, tried to confide in family members who sit to talk with him and then cower and leave because of his rage, and leave you standing there because they don’t want to push him away or possibly end his willingness to have contact, so they walk out and the door closes and then he knows. He knows that you spoke to someone about him, and then it is just worse. I don’t know what to do. Things are better right now. He’s been a good mood the last few days, and then again, the idiot starts to think that this time there is real change. The shoe will drop, but maybe not for a while. I’m just not sure i really care anymore.
Hi, invisible. You are anything but a coward. You are afraid, as anyone in your sitaution would be, but it requires a certain amount of courage to be in an abusive relationship, regardless if the victim chooses to leave or stay.
I’m very sad that your family hasn’t stood by you through this.
I highly recommend that you get professional help. I know you’ve tried it before, but you need individual support. If he beats up the children, you must call the police.
My prayers are with you.
I would like to exchange links with your site blog.helpformylife.org
Is this possible?
Did “Invisible” read Olsen’s last response to this issue?? Imperative!
No, I haven’t seen a post by Olsen. It’s been quite a while since I came onto this post, and not much has changed, except with me. I give up. I looked through the comments and do not see one from “Olsen.” It may have been erased. I read through this site nearly every day but do not post very often.
Mihstiegh,
I believe I just saw the post by Olsen that you were referring to, under a different article on Marital abuse. Thanks
I love this article also. Its perfect. Jerry definitely rushes things and pushes me.Puts alot of pressure on me to take him back and he wants me to take him back NOW. He is very demanding and controlling.I dont think so.I did that once.No more.Its like I am ready for him to come back and all of a sudden he isnt.Well I can tell you right now he is having affairs. I cant prove it but I know he is.I can see it in his actions. He has often said he is sorry and it wont happen again,yet it continues to happen. He isnt truly sorry for anything anymore and he gets pleasure out of what he does.He used to bring flowers and all and say he is sorry and I know there are times he truly was but you can tell he isnt anymore.He only comes around when things dont work out for him where he is.I guess they all get tired of him too.I wont let an abuser back anymore.God hates abuse more than he hates divorce and it is a grounds for a divorce. I am tired of being abandoned every few months. Its killing me on top of the abuse.
I honestly believe Jerry will never repent for what he has done. I hope and pray he comes around. Sometimes I believe it will take something happening to me again to wake him up.Maybe even him realizing one day what he has really done.You dont move in and out on someone,abuse them,manipulate them and so on and claim so much love for them.It isnt love.It isnt pleasing to God. I wont be abused anymore.