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When Someone You Love Is Dying
My 21 year old nephew graduates from college today. It’s a joyous day for him and my family. We are all so proud of him, but it’s also mixed with sadness and heartache. You see, my nephew, who was born with an incurable disease (Duchenne muscular dystrophy) was originally meant to graduate later this Spring, but his doctors don’t think he will live that long. So the college he’s attending has arranged a special graduation ceremony for him so he can experience the joy of receiving a well-earned degree.
Right now, it seems as if death and dying are at every turn. Just this morning cancer took one of our co-workers. Another co-worker’s daughter is in a fight for her young life against cancer.
What do you say to someone you love who is dying? Here are a couple of ideas that I’ve been kicking around.
At one level, it’s important to treat them as normal as possible. You don’t want to deny or minimize what their facing. You certainly don’t want to do something hurtful like ignore them or say nothing. But one of the last things people who are terminally ill need is over-sympathy. Yes, you want to let them know that you are thinking about them and praying for them. You want them to know that you are genuinely interested in how they are doing. But for the most part, I’ve found that it is best to go on with life as normal as possible. It helps to make the time they have left more meaningful and prevents them from giving up prematurely.
If you don’t know what to say to them, be honest and say that you don’t know what to say. And remember, just simply saying, “I love you” goes a long way in touching their heart.
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Not a lot of people get the opportunity to say their goodbyes.
In reverse a lot of people don’t get a chance to say goodbye with them hearing you.
My husband just passed away and the common saying was Don’t give me my flowers when I’m gone give them to me now so I can enjoy them. Take them to the most bueatiful places do the things you might not have done otherwise and STOP thinking about them leaving for a little while. Tell them that you Love and appreicate them hourly even for the people you love that aren’t going to pass away. Because we don’t look at it that obviously but if people look at in regards to death not a lot of people get to say goodbye it’s like a theif in the night and we don’t know the day or the hour.
Sarah, you are so right. My mother is currently dying of plasma cell leukemia and all her children and grandchildren have been been able to travel to spend time with her in these last days. There are lots of phone calls each day. As hard as it is to be losing her here, we have been able to celebrate with her over her 81 years of living. Letting her know her legacy lives on in all the members of her family and how much we love her has been a sweet experience for us all.
I think you should spend time with them and let them see they are appreciated. Don’t cry, because they will be upset. I hope your mom is okay.
Your caring is precious.
I was close to my mother and she worked all her life from the day she left school until she retired and was looking forward to her free days and life.
Cancer came and it was a very sudden diagnosis, praise God for one year more that she we all had with her.
When mum died something happened that I didn’t know would happen. For many months among the sorrow were continual loving things we had shared coming to my memory, some of them had been secrets between us.
I thought it would last a little while but it went on and on for around 9 months.
All those times and moments were coming and lifting above the sorrow. They were like waves off sunlight in a green meadow.
I want to have as many moments and events as possible with family and friends. I’d like to leave them such a treasure.
My mother didn’t leave material things for us but she left a legacy of who she was and how she cared and those lovely times together. I experienced the value of that treasure chest and wouldn’t have changed it for anything else.
When in a cancer ward and walking slowly to my side room, feeling almost numb that day, as I approached the room’s door I heard ” Pick up your pen ” even though almost zombiw like that day I picked it up and put it on the paper. A poem came that that was definitely not from my own choosing as it flowed. I had asked ” Lord if your not with me ( waiting to go for a second surgery) let me not go up ”
Well seems I had to go and the poor doctor couldn’t insert the needle as my fist was closed as hard as a rock. Still we got there.
I don’t understand many things but this I know when I queried that ” I don’t understand why” If I gave the understanding you wouldn’t be walking in faith’.
I think that was very much for that unusual time.
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Jean, thanks for sharing your story! Your mother sounds like she was a wonderful person.