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Sexpectations
I’m reading the book He’s Just Not That Into You. Please don’t stop reading my blog yet- I know – this book is sooo not from a biblical mindset. It’s written mainly by a man, with a woman who wrote for the television program “Sex and the City.” I know, I know! This is getting worse, isn’t it?! I greatly dislike that show and what it stands for. On the show, women act as if sex is just sex and that there are no good men out there and that women can give themselves away to anyone without any consequences. Well, duh, the consequences are that none of those women characters are happy!
But I can’t deny that the author has gotten me thinking about something when it comes to sexuality in Christian dating relationships.
In the book, the author says that if you’re’ dating a man and he doesn’t want to have sex with you, he’s just not that into you. He adds that whatever reasons the man gives for not wanting to have sex, (religion and faith included), is simply an excuse because a man you’re dating should want to “rip your clothes off.” If he doesn’t, then he’s not into you and he’d rather avoid telling you that than face the yelling, crying, or whatever fallout would occur if he told you directly that he’s not caught up with your hotness.
OK, a problem I have with that is that I know there are good guys out there who honor women by waiting for marriage to have sex. They get it. They know that sex is a precious thing to a relationship and it shouldn’t be given to just anyone. They want to be pure and want to marry a pure woman.
Granted, this “waiting” is easier for some than for others. But the standard is still the same. Sex is for marriage and it’s worth the wait.
So, I’m getting to my point here. What should a single Christian woman expect from a single Christian man? Should she expect him to never struggle with lust? Should she expect him to always keep his hands to himself? Should there never be chemistry between them that causes them to end a date early?! Oh, boy, I hope not, on the last question, anyway.
The lack of a sex drive is not an indicator of spirituality. How we respond to the sex drive is what matters. Love is doing what’s best for the other person. And it is best to wait. Men know this; it’s just that sometimes they don’t want to wait. But men love the pursuit; they like to work hard to earn something, not just given it so easily. The harder they work at it, the greater the reward – not just for men, but for all of us.
God made us with natural yearnings for intimacy. But intimacy isn’t only about sex. Sexual fulfillment can’t be found outside of a trusting, lifetime commitment.
So, unmarried girls, let’s be real here. There will be times, at least I hope so, that the desire for your man and his desire for you will be so great that you literally have to walk away from each other! He just might have to go home early. That’s just the way it is.
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It’s me, Allison, again. I thought more about this blog and while I believe strongly in what I wrote, I also felt that maybe I went too far into depraved humanity to make my point. Our culture lacks modesty. And I fear that I’ve helped promulgate the immodesty by my title and quoting, in my opinion, crass comments from this author. For that I apologize.
So please let me take a moment to lift up what I believe are special and unique gifts from God: Marriage and intimacy -they go hand in hand. It is a gift from Him who created both. He wants us to enjoy one another, in many ways. Desire is good and we must express it in a way that brings glory to God.
We’re so tempted to believe the lie that physical intimacy will fill us and satisfy our thirst. God, our heavenly, loving Father, our Creator, is the One our souls thirst for. All good things He created for us to enjoy; but never to worship.
Sex between a man and woman in marriage is exclusive and sacred. And the trust between that man and woman begins in the dating relationship, when they both, seeking to honor God and each other, wait!
Dear Alison,
First of all,you deserve a pat on the back for reaching out there and expanding your horizons.You dropped the fear factor and have opened up very important points.There does need to be a healthy,spiritually based conversation on relationships.One only has to read through the first chapter of the Song of Songs!!!
God stands for true love
Alison–
Great piece. But, it points out something I have been struggling with with the Christian sect. (And, yes I HAVE put my faith in Jesus Christ– just NOT in Christianity.)
We all need to “CHILL OUT”. Most Christians tend to think everything is so “black and white”. It isn’t. There is a lot of gray. Read the Bible– Rahab lied and got God’s praise, David (the man after God’s own heart) had concubines and Jesus taught in parables wrought with paradox that showed ALOT OF gray matter.
So, let’s all drop the black and white and live by the Living Word. He gave us the His life and the Spirit for a reason.
Hi-
I find it hard to just relax on the issue of sex within the church. As a youth pastor,..I’m finding a great deal of my college, but even more my single high school students dealing with this worldly standard: TRY IT BEFORE YOU BUY IT! And..”IF THE MILK ISN’T GOOD, DON’T BUT THE COW”
Please forgive me, but “CHILLING OUT” is the last thing we need to do. I’m not looking to encourage argument, but speaking my heart. I know that we all are faced at one point in our lives with sexual temptations in our single lives, but it’s how we deal with it that makes the different. This world is becoming worst in sexualizing everything. And with clothing industries like Abercombie and Fitch design push-up bra and underwear for 7-14 year old girls doesn’t help our next generation not to fall into the same trap within their journey to marriage. What do BABY’S need with a push-up bra? They don’t,..so why create it. This world is becoming more and more sexualized and our kids have to grow up and be exposed to it.
In Rahab’s situation, God never honors lying, but honors those that honor him over their own lives and well-being. Rahab honored God over her own life, and God blessed her because of it. Could she have done something different than lying, probably so. But the main point is that she recognized God’s LAW is greater than man’s.
You will also see this in Exodus when Pharaoh gave the commandment to the midwives to kill all the baby boys that came forth. Exo 1:17 – States that “But the midwives feared God and did not as the king of Egypt commanded them, but saved the men children alive. And verses 20-21 says: Therefore God dealt well with the midwives:… And it came to pass, because the midwives feared God, that he made them houses.
We have a choice, obey the law of the flesh and our carnal desires or the Law of God. Although God created sex to be a good thing,..as Allison stated,..only within the grounds of marriage. We may have to disobey the law of the flesh (and even land) to honor God, but in facing the so-called carnal consequences, God ALWAYS makes a way of escape and rains down blessings.
Great article, I want all young people to learn this.
Glad you’re writing with enthusiasm!
When sex becomes a common thing, not a part of a whole relationship guarded and protected by a commitment first to God, it will no longer satisfy you.
The best way to wait for sex before marriage is to not be alone together.
When I was young, I would open my Christmas presents in the closet or under the tree while my mom and dad were at work. (I was alone after school.) It changed Christmas eve, when we opened our presents together, and had a shared joy, surprise and delight. I faked (lied) about my joy, and thinking about it now, my parents could probably tell the packages were opened and taped back up. It probably broke their hearts, my lies.
Yes you need the desire for intimacy, its in all us. If you love God, you will want to please him first. His laws/rules about intimacy are to protect us, not keep us from joy.
That was a great message and I hope that all young people read this!
The principle or main premise of the book is a good one. You only need to read the title and one or two of the examples to get the point, as the book gives one example after another of what “he’s just not that into you,” (and “he is into you”) looks like.
I heard a Christian podcast where this book was utterly put down as immoral, but they missed the point and only talked about the surface message of sex now, rather than the main point, that if someone is interested in you, they are going to show it. And that you shouldn’t deceive yourself or make up reasons to excuse the other person’s lack of interest. The point is not to waste time in relationships that are not going to go anywhere, when you could get out of that relationship and find someone else.
Often those in the world are more perceptive about these things. Later the concept is co-opted by Christian authors. Like the book No More Mr. Nice Guy, about assertiveness for men. There is now a book called No More Christian Mr. Nice Guy.
If you have to wonder if someone is into you, they’re probably not. This goes for men or women. She’s Just Not That Into You could also have been a book.
John Molloy (author of Dress for Success) also wrote a book called Why Some Men Marry Some Women and Not Others. One of the main points in the book was that the women who got marred were ones that did not stay in a relationship that had gone on a while and the man was not committing. They gave these men an ultimatim. If the man would not marry them, they got out. (The women less likely to marry were the ones staying in these relationships.) The point is that they did not waste time in these relationships but moved on and found someone who did want to marry them.
The assumption of course here, is that as a Christian you want to get married.
I’m a 56 yr. old woman, married for 20 yrs and divorced for 9 yrs. When I decided to start to date again, I had the same expectations that I had when I dated in my teens. Why should it be different, right? Well, what a surprise I got! I can count on one hand the amt. of men that I have dated in these last 9 yrs. Yes, they said that they were “Christian”. Every date ended early not because of a strong desire for each other but because their first (or some of them waited till the end of the movie or dinner) to ask me if “I liked sex”. The first time it happened I was mortified and walked out of the restaurant. After that, I handled it more tactfully. But what I don’t understand is why these “Christian” men, knowing God’s will, still are more concerned about their carnal self than about God? Not sounding conceited, but I am a good looking woman, kept myself healthy and pretty fit, except what I have no control over(due to menopause). I know that these men weren’t interested in getting to know me, but why even bother with a date when there are plenty of ungodly women out there to give them what they want? It was humiliating….
@Cmorgan–
I am not saying that this world is “right” with regard to sexuality– I am saying that the typical Christian doesn’t get it. Rahab lied and broke God’s Law not man’s (ie Deuteronomy 5:20). David– the man after God’s own heart– had multiple wives and concubines. Yeshua/Jesus is the Living Word. The words of the Bible have been chosen by man-made ecumenical councils and distorted by the Church. Just something to think about….