Publishers have exterminated many trees over the last 30 years  compiling the plethora of ideas on the topic of building a child’s self-esteem. Pastors, teachers, psychologists, counselors, social workers, youth leaders and talk show hosts have shared their collective wisdom about how parents can develop a sense of confidence and well-being in a child.

At the risk of sounding simplistic . . . because I was always taught that the simplest explanation is most often the best . . . I think it can be distilled down to one thing.

Listen to them.

If you treat your child like they matter to you, it will be unlikely that they will struggle with whether or not they matter later on. How you relate to them now as a little person in your home demonstrates a love and respect for who they are, becoming deeply rooted in their souls and bearing fruit for a lifetime.

When’s the last time you simply sat down and had a conversation with your son or daughter? Just to hear what was on their mind? No agenda. No correction. No particular reason except that he’s your son, she’s your daughter. Can you remember? Was it recent? Have you ever?

Don’t focus on building your child’s self-esteem. Instead, focus on your child. And the best way to do that is to listen to them. Treat them with value because they are. Listen to what your child is saying and you will do far more to provide them with a healthy understanding that they are valuable. Why? “Because my mom and dad listen to me.”

And why is that effective? Because you are treating your child like they really do matter to you. When you stop what you’re doing and take time out to listen to what they are saying, you prove to them that they are more valuable to you than the house work, mowing the lawn, your laptop, or that favorite T.V. show. If you don’t get what they are saying the first time, then just ask them again–giving them the opportunity to clarify what they were trying to say.

By listening–I mean really listening–you are not just telling your child that they matter. That’s good. But it’s not good enough.  By really listening to them,  you’re demonstrating that they do matter. By listening to them, you treat them like a real person who is worth listening to.

By listening to your child, you are telling them: “You are made as a boy/girl in God’s image. You are worthy of love and respect. God has given you a voice and a heart that are a reflection of Him. He thinks you’re important, and so do I. He loves you, and so do I.”

And you know what happens when others outside your home don’t treat your child with value? (And trust me, they won’t.) Your child won’t automatically assume that they did something wrong. They will feel the disparity between the way you have listened to them and those who are dismissing their voices. That will give you ample opportunities for discussions with them about how to gracefully handle the disappointment, adversity and challenges that they will inevitably face throughout their lives.

Because you listened to them, they will also be more open to come and share their both their joys and sorrows with you so that you can help them celebrate as well as navigate through the minefields of relationship struggles.

The Apostle James wrote: “Everyone (including parents) should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). A good reminder to those of us as parents who are more prone to speak quickly and are slow to listen. (Okay. I confess, that’s my bent. Anyone with me? Thanks, James, for the reminder.)

So, don’t settle for merely telling your children that they’re important. Treat them like they are.

Listen to them.

And they’ll hear you loud and clear.

Now it’s time for you to use your voice. We value hearing from you. So, please feel free to share your story with the HFML family about a time when a parent (or maybe any adult) took the time to listen to you as a youth. Or how about a time when you listened to a child. Let’s encourage one another with these stories.

I’m listening.