When I’m talking with someone who has been deeply betrayed by a friend, a family member, or a coworker, they often ask, “How can I ever trust him again? He said he was sorry, but how do I know if he is truly sorry about the damage he’s done or if he’s just sorry he got caught? I don’t want to get burned again.”
Those are tough questions, because there’s a lot at stake for both the betrayer and the betrayed.
Rebuilding trust in a relationship after a bitter betrayal almost feels like an insurmountable task. No one in his right mind would dare trust a spouse who was unfaithful, a coworker who stole his good idea, or a friend who lied about him behind his back. Would you?
But what if that person apologizes? Then what? How can you know if someone has truly repented?
As Jesus’ followers, we talk about repentance—that radical change of heart and mind that alters one’s perspective and reshapes behavior patterns to look more like Jesus. It’s been a part of the Jesus story from the beginning. John the Baptist referred to it as “producing fruit in keeping with repentance” (Matt. 3:8; Luke 3:8).
Testing repentance is vital to rebuilding trust in a broken relationship. So what are some of the signs of a repentant heart?
King David—a man whose deceit betrayed his wife and his nation—said it best: “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise” (Ps. 51:17).
One place to begin looking for “fruit” that reveals a deeply rooted heart of repentance is in how the repentant betrayer responds when questioned. A repentant person demonstrates a humble attitude that is neither demanding nor defensive when questioned. There is an openness that replaces deceit, a willingness to be accountable for his or her actions on multiple levels without resorting to blaming others or making excuses for failures.
It’s only through experiencing a consistency in both attitudes and actions that reflect repentance that the betrayed individual will over time begin to take the risky steps towards trusting again.
How much time? As much as it takes.
And the repentant person will humbly wait for as long as it takes, knowing that the celebration over restoration will be a sweet harvest for both parties—a harvest that repentance and forgiveness has made possible because of Jesus’ example.
“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret” (2 Cor. 7:10).
Thank you for your message.
Recently, one of our sisters betrayed me and my other sister.
The ad hominem she resorted to cut so deeply ,and I wonder if I could ever forgive her.
Your admonition :” How much time–as much as it takes,” comes so timely for me to reflect on.
Thank you.
Ed, I’m saddened to hear of you and your sister’s struggle with your other sister. Substantial healing comes through forgiveness, one thin layer at a time. Superficial forgiveness is often the response to a superficial confession that leads to superficial healing. Deep wounds of the heart are similar to the deep wounds to the body–they must heal from the inside out. That means they must be left open to drain and that’s what takes time and brings healing to both body and soul.
Tim, THANK YOU for such a clear outline for rebuilding trust after betrayal. Society expects the wounded person ‘to get over it already.’ Most church folks do not adhere to the processes of grief, forgiveness and healing. Consequently, the betrayed is often met with impatience and abandons completing the steps necessary to healing body and soul. Your comments to Ed drive home the value of time,for the betrayed, the betrayer and others affected by the act committed.
Betrayed by infidelity early in my marriage, I was ill-equipped to deal with it. “Slow to anger and quick to forgive” left the door wide open for habitual superficial confession. I was expected to ‘forgive and forget’, while my spouse held grudges and punished me out of his self-hatred and childhood wounds. My eyes were finally opened after nearly 30 years of rampant abuse. However, no words could help my husband understand that forgiveness isn’t just a one-time thing when the wounds are so deep and the infection widespread from lack of proper treatment. I found the courage to break the silence and the determination to take ALL the time I need to grieve and heal. Sadly, my husband refused to acknowledge the truth or give me that time unconditionally. Many now see the validity of testing repentance and the value of proof by fruit that tough love requires. The cycle of abuse had to stop, and its end began when I stopped betraying myself.
Mary,
Our hearts share you grief. It’s so sad that so many have suffered so long for lack of healthy teaching and understanding of the process of loss, grief, forgiveness, and restoration. It truly is a narrow road, but when both parties are willing to take the long slow road–the road less traveled–they get to experience the restoration that only God can provide. Anything less cheapens the impact of the cross work of Christ that frees us to deal with our inability to face any of this alone. Dan Allender’s book, Bold Love, is one that I highly recommend when it comes to learning how to love deeply, especially when it involves difficult people in our lives. Blessings.