But when we don’t talk about them, when we don’t bring them into the light, they continue to fester and breed like an untreated cancer in the clandestine shadows of secrecy. And people get hurt. Children get hurt. And none of us should ever be okay with that.

So we’re uncomfortable.

My first thought is: “I’m uncomfortable with it.” I take no joy in writing about this in a blog. I’d much rather be talking about last weeks Penn State football game with Ohio State than the sexual abuse scandal that still engulfs that campus.

My second thought is: “Too bad.” It’s about time we learn to deal with our discomfort and engage in the real battles for the hearts and souls of people who are at risk and being exploited. And if we’re honest, that means both the abused and the abusers.

And that makes me feel really uncomfortable. But that’s where people of faith are most needed to stand up and be counted as “salt and light” (Matt. 5:13-16) in a very dark and unsavory place.

Sexual abuse is just one of those banned topics in church.

Several recent blogs highlight the trouble we’ve had in being honest with ourselves and dealing with our discomfort in speaking openly about tough issues. Dan Allender’s blog, JoePa and Sermon Selection, frankly brings to light how uncomfortable pastors have been and still are when it comes to addressing the issue of sexual abuse in church.

Thom Rainer, in his blog to Church leaders, Sex Scandals, Penn State, and Protecting Our Children, writes about sexual abuse and doing everything we can as a faith community to prevent it from happening on our watch as well as dealing quickly and decisively when it is exposed.

But sexual abuse is only one strain of the world wide epidemic of exploited sexuality.

Sexuality has been hijacked by the enemy of our souls. Satan, as part of his cunning strategy for defacing the image of God in men and woman alike, demeaning and defrauding  sexuality in a myriad of ways. Remember, Jesus identified Satan’s lethal agenda as to “steal, kill, and destroy” (John 10:10). Why would we not think that includes our sexuality?

Sexual exploitation, in all it’s forms–from advertising, media programing, the ever-widening spectrum of pornographic images, the vulgar and demeaning language that has become common place in music, social media, and on middle school campuses, sexual abuse, and the plague of human sexual trafficking–are a coordinated attack on the beauty of God Himself that He breathed into our sexuality.

I would contend that we have problems with sexual abuse because of the sexual tsunami that has reeked havoc on the world of gender, both male and female, in a post-Fall world. And this is nothing new.

The Bible records story after story of sexual exploitation (just to name a few: Gen. 19:4-13, 30-38; 38:11-26; Judges 19:22-30; 2 Sam. 11:1-27; 13:1-34; Luke 7:36-50; John 4:7-30; 8:4-11). These disruptive stories have all too often been ignored for the more palatable passages of scripture that are–shall we say–less disturbing.

But just stop for a moment and think about it.

Why would God intentionally record these stories of sexual exploitation in sacred text?

I can think of a few reasons why He’s not silent on this topic, and I’m sure there are more:

1. Because He doesn’t want us to be silent on the topic.
2. Because of His great love for victims of sexual exploitation.
3. Because His intention is to bring healing and hope to victims of sexual exploitation.

If this it true, then people of faith can no longer remain silent on these topics.  We must be at the forefront of addressing them. Instead of reserving that discussion for a counselor’s office or a courtroom,  we must speak more openly and honestly about the destructive forces at work regarding the exploitation of both male and female sexuality on all fronts in our culture.

That’s my take on it all. How about you? Let me hear your voices. Speak up and let others know that it’s time to break the conspiracy of silence. Let’s join our voices together.

As a boy, I grew up an hour away from State College, Pennsylvania. I’ve rooted for Penn State football for the last 50 years. It’s hard to describe the thoughts and feelings that have been pulsating through me for the past two weeks.

Disbelief. Disgust. Grief. Outrage. Shock. To name a few.

But primarily? Heartache.

As a counselor who has spent hundreds of hours helping many men and women work through their past of childhood sexual abuse–dealing with the trauma, the pain, the shame, the secrets, and the long-term devastation of abuse–to rebuild productive lives, I am angry.

Angry that anyone–no matter what their status is within any organization–from janitors to presidents–would allow any form of suspected child abusive behavior to go on without it being quickly exposed to the proper authorities and decisively addressed, so that first and foremost the children are protected and those responsible are held accountable.

But, in spite of how I feel, I must reserve judgment for those who know all the evidence in the case. I simply don’t know what really happened. What I do know is the allegations I hear reported in the media and the published grand jury report. And, make no mistake about it, the allegations are bad.

But, there is a process that cannot be hijacked in the media’s court of public opinion. I can quickly jump to conclusions about what has happened and what should or shouldn’t be done to those involved without knowing the full details of the case. That’s what trials are for.

My concern is that in the media feeding frenzy for the most salacious story out there, that what gets whipped up in the watching audience is a lynch mob mentality that is dangerous.

It’s clear what is needed: protection for children and justice for those who abuse them.

I know my own weakness and my snap judgement without ample evidence can quickly cross the invisible ethical line between seeking justice and justifying revenge. God reminds me that none of us are qualified for the task of vengeance–not by a long shot. That’s His realm exclusively. Mortals need not apply.

Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. (Rom. 12:19, 20)

James 1:19, 20 also provides a well heeded warning:

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

But lest we think that God takes abuse lightly, consider Jesus’ own words in Luke 17:1, 2 regarding those who would dare to harm a child:

“Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.”

The allegations and charges of child abuse are serious. The coverup is evidence that something is seriously broken and needs to be fixed. The power and money that the big business of college sports wields is a challenging force that must be harnessed lest it run wild and unbridled. Hopefully, this scandal will bring that conversation to the forefront as well.

And finally, I’ve heard more public appeals and witnessed more examples of public prayer for all the victims involved in this situation than I’ve seen since 9/11. That is telling. In times of pain and desperation when we need wisdom to know how to respond to a tragic situation that is unimaginable in it’s scope and destruction, we naturally turn to the only true source of comfort, strength, and wisdom.

Let’s pray together that we will all strive  . . . “To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” (Micah 6:8). If we do, then something good will begin to take root and grow out of a horribly destructive and dark situation.

It leaves me questioning, who is worth suffering for?

My children of course; that one is easy.

But must I suffer for someone who has evil intentions towards me, someone who is hurting the essence of who I am?

I don’t think so and this is why:

Our dignity is all you and I really have. When that is assaulted, we choose whether to protect it or allow it to be destroyed.  

We suffer to spread good things like love, faith, and kindness. When we suffer for these things, we’re spreading goodwill to all men, not promulgating evil.  Here are two sets of examples that some of us have been face with. Choose which group you’d suffer for.

Example set 1:  Do you suffer for the husband who is so absentminded that he forgets your anniversary?  Do you suffer for the wife who frequently burns your toast? Do you suffer for the husband or wife who can’t keep the house clean to your liking or who lost his or her job due to down-sizing? Do you suffer for the spouse who, because of past sexual abuse, really struggles in the area of physical intimacy? Do you suffer for and with the spouse battling cancer?

Example set 2:  Do you suffer for the husband who hits you? Do you suffer for the wife who mocks you and laughs at your attempts to make a connection with her? Do you suffer for the husband who turns every argument around making it all about you and how you’ve failed?  Do you suffer for the wife who calls you horrible names? Do you suffer for the spouse who withholds affection and emotional closeness from you even though you’ve done nothing to warrant that kind of withdrawal?

The difference between the two sets of examples is one of intentionality. The purpose of the second group is to belittle, put down, degrade, control, to assault your dignity. The first group is being human; while the second group is being. . . well, downright evil. Evil seeks to put people in prisons. Love sets us free.

If love sets us free, then let love set you free from an abusive relationship. You’re not obligated to hang around for your spouse (or anyone) to completely destroy your sense of identity. Your dignity – protect it and you’ll be free.

There is no question that the Bible teaches the importance of honoring our parents (Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:2-3). It is not a matter to be taken lightly. To honor our parents, however, does not mean that we should ignore or tolerate their abusive behavior. In fact, ignoring and tolerating abuse would be dishonoring and unloving.

Unfortunately, many adults who have been abused by their parents as children allow emotional abuse to continue for fear of being completely cut-off and abandoned by their parents. It seems that some would rather put up with their parents abuse than to be ignored and abandoned by their parents. To be abandoned by one’s parents seems to be a greater pain and therefore is avoided at all costs, even if that means allowing the abuse to continue.

When a person continues to tolerate emotional abuse from their parents by ignoring it and maybe hoping things will improve, they are neither loving nor honoring their parents. If that person were to honestly examine their motives, they would most likely see that they are not motivated by a desire to love their parents but rather by a desire to keep themselves safe from the deeper pain of being abandoned. And without even knowing it, they are actually contributing to the problem with their silence. Their silence enables rather than stands against further emotional abuse. That’s not what is best for themselves or their parents, therefore it’s not love.

The Bible calls Christians to a love that is without hypocrisy, that is to hate what is evil and cling to what is good, both in ourselves and others (Rom.12:9). In a situation where a parent is emotionally abusive love often asks the question “What is wrong within the person that needs to be disrupted so that good and life can start to emerge?” In almost every instance, this involves drawing strong lines that say “It’s no longer okay for you to abuse me.”

Check out the following video insights by Larry Crabb and Gene Getz on setting boundaries and honoring difficult parents:

http://www.helpformylife.org/Products/How-Do-I-Set-Healthy-Boundaries-In-A-Relationship-%28Video-Insight%29__VATR007I007.aspx

http://www.helpformylife.org/Products/How-Do-You-Honor-A-Difficult-Parent-p—emGene-Getzem-%28Video-Insight%29__VATR006I048.aspx

One of the things God put on my heart to say this man shocked him at first, but it also freed him up to see he had other options. I told him that his desire for revenge was not completely off-base or ungodly. I went on to explain that the apostle Paul, when writing to Christians, said, “The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet” (Romans 16:20).

Paul’s statement is a promise to believers for revenge. In other words, Paul was encouraging his readers to be patient because the day will come when vengeance will be theirs and God’s. A time is coming where they will have the opportunity to make the one, Satan, (who is indirectly and ultimately responsible for all of the tragedies in life), pay under their feet.

So part of the desire to take revenge is godly, as long as it’s not misplaced and done in God’s timing. In the meantime, God calls us to conquer evil by “doing good” to those people who harm us (Romans 12:21). In other words, the Christian way is not to be overcome by evil by doing evil back to those who harm us, but to overcome and defeat evil by doing good.

Some may understand the idea of “doing good” as a call to become passive and pleasant, and to pretend nothing ever happened. But that’s not the case. Yes, sometimes “doing good” is blessing others with unexpected acts of kindness or civility. But doing good to those who hurt us also involves intentionally drawing strong lines and giving some serious consequences that force them to own and deal with their sinful and harmful choices. It often says to those who’ve hurt us, “While there is still some unfinished business for us to resolve before we can move forward, I’m not going to relate to you solely on the basis of the hurt you’ve caused me. The hurt is still there for me, but I’m going to relate to you on the basis of something more. As I wrestle with the hurt you’ve done to me, I want to relate to you in ways that can conquer evil in your life and prevent the evil of bitterness from overtaking mine.”

None of us are fully at this place. But as I suggested to the man whose son had been murdered, with the help of the One who was brutally beaten and murdered Himself, we can all move closer to the place where we can start to genuinely consider all that’s involved in “doing good” to those who have deeply hurt us.

Westerns don’t normally interest me, but this film drew me in. There was one scene, in particular, that grabbed my attention.

One of the main characters in the film is Charlie Waite (played by Kevin Costner). He’s a Cowboy trying to escape a past filled with pain and regret. During the night, he has a nightmare of being attacked by a masked gunman. The woman, whose house he was staying in, heard Charlie stirring and tried to wake him up. Startled, Charlie momentarily mistook the woman for the man in his dream and drew his pistol on her.

The next morning at breakfast, Charlie apologized to the woman. He went on to explain that he was trying to put some bad times behind him “but sometimes they don’t stay put.” The woman paused for a moment and then spoke these profound words to Charlie,

“Always make me feel better to let things breathe a little—not bury them.”

As a counselor, I couldn’t have said it better. When we bury and try to suffocate the painful realities of life, they start to own us in ways that are not good. It’s best to let them “breathe a little.”

Facing our pain is not about becoming bitter and angry. It’s about putting our hearts in a honest position where we can begin to heal.

Whatever it is, leaning into our pain and letting it breath allows deep lies and false interpretations of events to surface so they can be identified, challenged, and replaced with what it is true. It’s a difficult process for sure, but it allows God to speak into our painful places and bring truth that heals our wounded hearts.

Is there a pain you need to let breathe?

A 32-year old teacher had sex with one of his 15-year old students (at a Christian school!) and he was sentenced to 8 to 40 years in prison. He cried in the courtroom saying how sorry he was for what he’d done.  He received over 100 letters of support from people around the country, asking the judge for leniency. According to the newspaper, principals, teachers, nurses, and youth workers wrote letters stating that this teacher was not a predator, not a monster, not a long-term threat, but could continue to have a positive impact on other’s lives. They apparently wrote that he is one of the best teachers they’ve ever seen and that their children benefited from having him as their teacher. One person wrote that he thinks he is a model of Christian faith, despite his actions. Parents and students apparently loved this guy; they didn’t know what side of the courtroom to sit on, they said, because they wanted to support both the teacher and the student. Right.

Did anyone care about how the victim and her family might feel?

Apparently not. The people gushed over this teacher. One woman said that she would have her children be in his classroom in a heartbeat. She thinks he’s just a man who lost his way and that nothing good will come from his being in jail.

No, no one who loves this man cares one bit about this young girl. The newspaper reports that the victim and her family feel ostracized. Of course they do!  They feel completely abandoned and alone. She’s left the school and attending another.

Isn’t it ironic that the victim is the one they’ve left by the side of the road and they run to the one who “beat her up” and left her there? Is it because he’s crying and saying he’s sorry? What, do they want her to stand up real quick, dust herself off, and say, “Oh, Mr. So-and-so, it’s OK, I know you’re sorry. I forgive you.”

What about this girl?!  She’s hurting!  He hurt her! What about her pain? I’m sickened and appalled at these people who call themselves Christians who are so open and public about their support of this man who hurt her! They’re willing to sacrifice this young girl so that they can protect this man. I don’t even know what to say about this except that this is evil at work.

They should be open about their support of this girl, not this man who took advantage of one of his students. The victim’s father asked a pointed question of the two pastors’s who wrote letters of support for the teacher. He asked if it was their 15 year old daughter that he had sex with, if they would have asked the judge for mercy.  Neither pastor responded. Hm. That says a lot doesn’t it. Where is the love?

Sexual assault, rape, incest, sexual abuse; these all carry with it such a deep level of shame. The blame immediately goes inward. And to make it all worse, people like the supporters of this teacher blame the victim. They blame the victim by publicly supporting the man.

If a wife is married to an abusive husband, she is not safe. If a marriage is categorized as abusive, it’s dangerous. There are not degrees of safety. That’s like saying that living in a cage with a lion has degrees of danger; it just matters how much the lion gnaws on your leg as to how dangerous it is. No, if you’re in that cage, you’re in harms way.

And the best option for her is to find a safe plan to leave. Sadly, by the numbers of women who’ve been murdered by their estranged husbands, this doesn’t guarantee safety. However, for the majority, leaving a precarious relationship can help a woman begin a new life of freedom and dignity that she had long forgotten.

We act as if we can give permission to abused spouses to leave their marriages only if it’s “really bad” and only if you do it out of a heart of love. I say, abuse is always really bad and love is always there whether you’re aware of it or not.  If a woman leaves a mean man, only for the reason that he’s mean, she is doing it for love; love for herself, her children, and maybe even a rudimentary love for her husband. Love isn’t always as evolved as we want it to be, but it’s love just the same. Leaving is love because she’s seeking dignity by doing so; hers and his.  

We’re missing a pivotal point if we put the burden on the abused spouse when we tell her that she shouldn’t separate because the abuse isn’t bad enough, or that her abusive husband is willing to go to counseling (most abusers are!). In an article I read that was referenced in the last blog, it said that in abusive relationships, “it is sometimes healthy and wise to separate.” (italics added) I wish it had read, “It is usually healthy and wise to separate.” We talk about abusive relationships as if we’re granting some sort of sanction to a small percentage of battered women that “well, mostly it’s good to stay in an abusive relationship, but there are times when it’s healthy to leave.”  What?  I think it’s just the opposite.  Mostly it’s appropriate to separate. I just wish we’d end the pressure we put on abused wives to keep putting up with the abuse.

I’m all for healing from abuse, healing for the abuser, and restoration in marriage! I believe in it and I know God changes hearts so that a husband and wife can live in freedom and with dignity. And I don’t think that what I’m saying contradicts the Jesus I know. God loves us and sent His only Son to die for us! Why would He want us to willingly live in abusive homes when we live in a country where freedom is there for anyone? I just don’t think the burden we put on abused spouses is right. Domestic violence is illegal and we’ve got to realize that the laws of our land regarding domestic violence align with Scripture about how we are to treat one another.

Her decision to separate was born out of love, the kind of love that works for the best interest of another, even if it makes a person mad and uncomfortable. It was an example of what Paul talked about when he wrote:

“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good” (Romans 12:9, NLT).

Real love seeks to bless others, but also knows that sometimes you have “hurt” them in order to help.

Many diseases are silent killers in that they are silent (no symptoms or only vague symptoms), and that they are deadly. There are a number of diseases that are known as “silent killers” because they gradually consume you without causing any serious symptoms in the early stages. Regular medical checkups and early diagnosis of unexplained or vague symptoms can safe your life.

Hypertension, better known as high blood pressure, is often considered one of the major “silent killer” diseases. If left undetected,  it can reek havoc on your physical well being and will eventually destroy your health from the inside out.

But the same is true for our emotional health and well being too. It’s often the things we don’t talk about–our secrets that we stuff down deep–that eventually erode our sense of personal security and our stability in our most cherished relationships.

What got me thinking about this is a new book that I’ve been reading to prepare for an upcoming HelpForMyLife video shoot on a topic that is rarely talked about: the childhood sexual abuse of men. It use to be that no one ever talked about sexual abuse. Period. You just didn’t bring it up. Frankly, it’s not that it wasn’t going on, but just that no one was courageous enough to talk about it.

But 25 years ago the sexual abuse of women started to be discussed, uncovering a major blight on society. All of a sudden, the topic was out there on the talk shows, in seminars, featured on news outlets, and in educational curriculum. The issue of the past sexual abuse of women and it’s impact on adult relationships was making it’s way out of the shadows and into the light where we now see clearly that any where from 25-40% of women experience some form of sexual abuse by the time they reach the age of 18.

But, there’s been little in print or in the public forum about the sexual exploitation of little boys who later grow up to be men who bear the effects of sexual abuse. But that’s starting to change. And that’s a good thing.

Cecil Murphey is a successful author who has written or co-written over 119 books. By anyone’s standards, that’s a bunch. But Cec (as he likes to be called) admits “unquestionable, this book is the hardest book I’ve ever written.” Although he’s come a long way in his own healing journey and recovery, writing about male sexual abuse meant writing about his own story and struggles with his abusive past.

Check out Cecil’s book, When A Man You Love Was Abused. If you’re a man who has never dared tell his story of past abuse, Cecil’s book may be the tool you need to encourage you to step into the light. If you’re a woman who loves a man with a past of sexual abuse, you too will find godly encouragement and practical help in helping your man face, battle with, and overcome childhood sexual molestation.

You can also read comments on Cecil’s  blog, from other men who have courageously taken the first steps of breaking the silence about their childhood sexual abuse. And watch for future posts and the upcoming round table discussions and insights from Cecil and the HFML team.