The article defines the nagging problem as the “interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed.”

The article goes on to point out that every couple experiences nagging to some degree, but it can grow to “be as potentially dangerous to a marriage as adultery or bad finances.” A couple will start bickering about the nagging and never address what is underneath the nagging. In time, this type of “toxic communication” can “sink the relationship.”

Is nagging ruining your marriage? Admit the conflict! The good news is that couples can grow and learn how to curb the nagging and replace it with mutual love and respect. But they first need to recognize and acknowledge they are stuck in a bad pattern.

Together, and often with the help of a trusted guide, spouses can start to work towards listening and understanding where each other is coming from. They can learn to talk through feelings and needs in ways that can help them consider how to love one another more. Accusations and demands for change can start to be replaced with non-demanding expressions and requests of what each spouse legitimately needs from the other.

Click here to watch a short video clip by Dr. Larry Crabb on handling conflict in your marriage.

I remembered that I had read an article in the newspaper about an organization called The Compassionate Friends, a place to help grieving families after the death of a child. I told my friend about Compassionate Friends and an event CF started 15 years ago: The Worldwide Candle Lighting night. Each year, the second Sunday in December is dedicated to remembering, honoring, and reflecting on the lives of children who died. December 11, 2011 is the Worldwide Candle Lighting night, and this is a time where families can attend a special service in their area or light a candle at 7:00 p.m., wherever they are, to honor their child.

Holidays can be difficult for many reasons, but especially for those whose child has died – at any age and from any cause.  Whether this is the first Christmas without your child or the 25^th, you will never be the same without your son or daughter. Your child’s death has markedly changed you.  The grief you feel and the changes that take place as a result of your child’s death validate the significance, meaning, and love of your relationship with your child.

If you have lost a child or you know someone who has, I recommend this website as a source of hope and healing:  www.compassionatefriends.org.  There is also a place to post a remembrance note about your son or daughter. It’s one way a family can express their grief, share their memories, honor their child, and maybe even find new friends who can help them along this arduous journey.

The executive director of CF, Patricia Loder, wrote that the reason they do the Worldwide Candle Lighting is so that the child’s “light may always shine.”

What a beautiful picture of a child:  light; like a star’s light breaking through the darkness.

Let’s pray for the families that are grieving the loss of a child this holiday season. We can help carry their burden by praying for them, lighting a candle for their child, weeping with them, listening to them, and allowing them to grieve naturally. There is no time table and parents who’ve lost a child never ever “get over it.”  They need to grieve their incredibly deep loss for as long as it takes.

If you’d like, please use this space to post a remembrance note about your dearly loved and missed child.

As I sat at my desk this morning contemplating what to share with you today, my eyes focused on something I see every day and often take for granted.

It’s a plain white tin that was decorated with craft paint years ago, twenty to be exact, by my son when he was 6.

On the tin is a picture he painted of our yellow canoe, the same one we used this past weekend–except that it’s now fully custom camouflaged (a fun weekend project about 10 years ago that involved everyone in the Jackson clan pitching in with their artistic talents).

The two people fishing in the canoe? You guessed it, my son and me . . . together.

Relationships are like any other investment–if you don’t invest over the long haul, you’ll never reap any of the rewards long term.

That little tin is a precious reminder to me of good times past that began well before he was six. And they are still paying off today at 26 with good times present. The conversations around the campfire have deepened over the years to be sure, but the joy of sharing these times together I’ll treasure for a lifetime. And I’m looking forward with anticipation to good times future as well.

So, to you dad’s out there listening, take the time to invest early. Whether you have sons or daughters makes no difference, except in the kinds of activities you may enjoy together. Invest early and invest a lot. You’ll never regret investing relationally in your children. However, you will regret it if you don’t. I’ve counseled with many fathers to are haunted by grief over missed opportunities that are long since past.

Don’t wait! Invest now.

Here’s the good news for those dads who missed out on the earlier times: It’s not over. Please don’t allow the past to discourage you from starting now. That’s exactly what Satan would love for you to do. Don’t give in to that lie.

Regrets over what you didn’t do in the past can be a killer. It shuts down involvement in the present because of guilt and shame over past failures. That’s what makes God’s forgiveness so critical. Forgiveness releases us from the guilt of the past to reengage in loving well in the present. It’s never too late to respond well.

If your son is all grown up, still start now. It may be a hunting weekend, a boat show, rebuilding an old car together, helping him with his home repairs, or grabbing a pair of tickets to go watch your favorite college football team. Find something that you can begin to hang out together over–investing time, emotional energy, and conversation. Don’t push. Just relax and let the relationship simmer for a while. And over time, hopefully, the conversations will come.

If it’s your daughter, it may mean taking the “masculine risk” of stepping out of your comfort zone and  inviting her to the local art show or street fair, taking her to dinner and a movie (her choice–yes, you can handle a chick flick and still be manly), shopping for a day together at the mall (and letting her choose all the stores), helping her repair her car (or being the guy who finds and negotiates with the mechanic about the repair), or simply asking her out to breakfast.

Remember: you can’t reap dividends if you don’t invest. Invest well, often, and generously. And trust God for the results. You’ll never regret it.

Now I’m sure that many of you dads have unique stories of your own to share that would provide helpful examples to the rest of us of how you’ve invested in your kids, where you’ve missed it, how you’ve recovered from missing it, and where you’re currently enjoying some of the long term dividends.

Regardless of where you are in this journey as a dad, we’d love for you to encourage one another here with your stories (Heb. 3:13).

From the days of Adam and Eve in the Garden with their first of many children–Cain and Abel–parenting has been fraught with problems (Gen. 4:1-16).

So, what hope can parents find in raising the next generation to be productive and God honoring?

One of the teachings that has helped me as a parent is to focus not on producing a product, like a well-behaved kid, but on encouraging my children to have a heart for God. While good behavior is certainly desirable in our children, it’s equally as certain that it’s not enough.

While we as parents will often make the mistake of settling for outward appearances of compliance in our children, God’s focus, as always, is on their hearts (1 Sam. 16:7).

Two theological questions that have helped me focus more on our children’s hearts are tied into who they are as a son or daughter made in God’s image, worthy of love and respect, and at the same time who they are as little rebels at heart who are born into the world thinking they are the epicenter of the universe.

(Now I can just about hear some of you thinking, “My little Billy or Nancy could never have been a rebel.” Oh, please. Hear me out. Remember the trench warfare waged with each child when you had to finally draw on all your strength and forge a pact in blood with your spouse that neither of you would respond to their demanding cries that you take care of them IMMEDIATELY!!! Yea, you know what I’m talking about.)

The two questions are:

Am I loved? This question ties into a child’s Dignity because they are made in God’s image. Check out Genesis 1:26. It’s foundational for understanding your child’s value and worth to God, which should reshape the way you view them as well.

Can I get my own way? This question ties into what I referred to above, your child’s Depravity. Your child has inherited a sin nature from . . . you, his or her parent. How do I know it’s true? Well, first, the Bible is clear that our kids are just miniature versions of us big people, i.e. beautiful and broken. Romans 3:23 sums it up: “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” The glory of God is our dignity that was marred in the Fall (Gen. 3:1-24). “All” is loosely translated, well, all. Us as parents as well as our kids. We’re all in this together.

And finally, and here’s the catch. Now that you know these questions as parents, the challenge facing you is that you must answer both of them simultaneously. How you answer these two questions will determine the kind of parent that you are and how you  handle the hearts of those precious children that God has entrusted into your capable hands.

So, how’s your parenting? We’d love to hear your comments and questions.

At the risk of sounding simplistic . . . because I was always taught that the simplest explanation is most often the best . . . I think it can be distilled down to one thing.

Listen to them.

If you treat your child like they matter to you, it will be unlikely that they will struggle with whether or not they matter later on. How you relate to them now as a little person in your home demonstrates a love and respect for who they are, becoming deeply rooted in their souls and bearing fruit for a lifetime.

When’s the last time you simply sat down and had a conversation with your son or daughter? Just to hear what was on their mind? No agenda. No correction. No particular reason except that he’s your son, she’s your daughter. Can you remember? Was it recent? Have you ever?

Don’t focus on building your child’s self-esteem. Instead, focus on your child. And the best way to do that is to listen to them. Treat them with value because they are. Listen to what your child is saying and you will do far more to provide them with a healthy understanding that they are valuable. Why? “Because my mom and dad listen to me.”

And why is that effective? Because you are treating your child like they really do matter to you. When you stop what you’re doing and take time out to listen to what they are saying, you prove to them that they are more valuable to you than the house work, mowing the lawn, your laptop, or that favorite T.V. show. If you don’t get what they are saying the first time, then just ask them again–giving them the opportunity to clarify what they were trying to say.

By listening–I mean really listening–you are not just telling your child that they matter. That’s good. But it’s not good enough.  By really listening to them,  you’re demonstrating that they do matter. By listening to them, you treat them like a real person who is worth listening to.

By listening to your child, you are telling them: “You are made as a boy/girl in God’s image. You are worthy of love and respect. God has given you a voice and a heart that are a reflection of Him. He thinks you’re important, and so do I. He loves you, and so do I.”

And you know what happens when others outside your home don’t treat your child with value? (And trust me, they won’t.) Your child won’t automatically assume that they did something wrong. They will feel the disparity between the way you have listened to them and those who are dismissing their voices. That will give you ample opportunities for discussions with them about how to gracefully handle the disappointment, adversity and challenges that they will inevitably face throughout their lives.

Because you listened to them, they will also be more open to come and share their both their joys and sorrows with you so that you can help them celebrate as well as navigate through the minefields of relationship struggles.

The Apostle James wrote: “Everyone (including parents) should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). A good reminder to those of us as parents who are more prone to speak quickly and are slow to listen. (Okay. I confess, that’s my bent. Anyone with me? Thanks, James, for the reminder.)

So, don’t settle for merely telling your children that they’re important. Treat them like they are.

Listen to them.

And they’ll hear you loud and clear.

Now it’s time for you to use your voice. We value hearing from you. So, please feel free to share your story with the HFML family about a time when a parent (or maybe any adult) took the time to listen to you as a youth. Or how about a time when you listened to a child. Let’s encourage one another with these stories.

I’m listening.

Later, the young child then asked, “Daddy, who do you love the most, Jesus or me?” The father told his daughter that he loved Jesus the most, because without Jesus, he couldn’t love his children as much as he does.

What a great answer. It parallels the words of another father figure once wrote to a group of Christians he considered his “dear children” (1 John 2:1). The Apostle John wrote, “We love each other because He loved us first” (1 John 4:19 NLT).

Who do you love the most?

Weddings are meaningful events that mark the beginning of a new relationship, the start of a new family with hopes and dreams.

But weddings are also times for reflection for all who attend. And, whenever I have the opportunity to attend a weeding, I’m always drawn to 3 reflections.

The first–and almost always it’s the first–may have more to do with my zany sense of humor. “Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today. Marriage, that blessed event that dream within a dream . . .” always makes me laugh and remember that there’s great joy and celebration to be shared at a wedding.

The second reflection comes in the form of a question about them: Does this couple have what it takes to go the distance and build a relationship that lasts a lifetime? Having invested thousands of hours in marital and premarital counseling with hundreds of couples over the last 25 years, I’m always kind of skeptical (OK, often really skeptical) as to whether or not a couple has not only the character to make a relationship last, but do they have an enduring relationship with God that will sustain them when their relationship doesn’t?

Will they still love each other even when they don’t feel like it? When they hit the inevitable turbulence that intimacy between two sinners breeds? Will they remember their promises to God and each other in front of us as their invited witnesses? What about after they’ve hurt each other with cruel words? Or after crushing disappointment? I pray so.

My third reflection comes in the form of a question about me: How am I–after now 34 years of marriage–reaffirming my love for my bride? Do I remember my promises to God and her? Am I loving her better than when we got married? Better than last year? Would she agree with my assessment?

Hmmm . . . maybe it’s time I ask her again how I’m doing at loving her. I think I will.

So, since June, July, and August seem to be the “wedding months,” take some time to reflect at the weddings that you’re invited to attend. Celebrate and reflect.

Oh, and feel free to share your celebrations and reflections with us. We’d love to hear what’s stirring.

What struck me watching the film this time around was the level of inconvenience Caleb was willing to bear in order to love Catherine…Spoiler Alert in case you haven’t seen it...After learning that his wife’s mother needed some specialized home care equipment that her parents couldn’t afford, Caleb secretly covered the cost with $24,000 he had been saving up for a new fishing boat.

$24,000 can buy a very sweet fishing boat. Believe me, I’ve looked.

Caleb’s bighearted gesture reminded me of a universal truth:

If you want to be considerate of your spouse…get ready to be inconvenienced.

Up for loving your spouse…get ready to have your schedule interrupted and your plans changed. Are you up for taking an interest in what’s important to him/her…get ready to do something that you wouldn’t choose to do yourself, but you willingly choose to do it because it’s valuable to him/her.

As a husband and Christian counselor, one of the best pieces of marital advice I’ve run across continues to come back something Jesus said. When asked what was the most important commandment, He said to love God with everything in you and to love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:37-38). No. Jesus may have not had a marital relationship in mind when he spoke these words, but if there is one relationship where His words apply…it is marriage. Whether a couple is married twenty plus years and in the throes of marital discord or just coming off their honeymoon, this is some of the best advice for both husband and wife (not just one) to take to heart and put into practice.

Loving others as we love ourselves can be inconvenient, but it has the power to produce deep intimacy and rescue even the most troubled marriage.

Rebuilding trust? That’s one of the the greatest challenges any couple will ever face in their marriage.

(By the way, it’s not just couples where trust can be broken. Parents break their children’s trust. Children break their parents’ trust too. Employers and employees alike can cultivate an atmosphere of distrust. Friends can betray friends.)

So what do you do to begin rebuilding trust when you find yourself standing in the smoldering ruins of a relationship that’s been torched by betrayal? Here are a few suggestions for a couple who is beginning this process.

First, recognize that rebuilding trust is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Everything inside of you screams, “Don’t do it! Are you nuts! They’ll just do it again! They’ve already proven that they can’t be trusted! You’d be crazy to set yourself up again!”

But that seems to put Jesus’ followers in a real bind. Because Jesus has called us to forgive those who have harmed us. Right? But how can we forgive after we’ve been so deeply betrayed?

Second, understanding that forgiveness begins a process that opens the door to the potential for rebuilding shattered trust (Luke 17:3-4). This is not a quick fix. This takes time for both the forgiver and the offender. And forgiveness doesn’t mean simply letting the person off the hook after they say, “I’m sorry.” It’s not forgetting. There is accountability in healthy forgiveness.

(For more on forgiveness, check out some of our Round Table discussions and Insight Videos on the topic of forgiveness.)

Third, understanding that rebuilding trust requires two willing participants who are devoted to Christ first and then to each other. One person doesn’t make a relationship. It takes two individuals who long for restoration and are willing to submit to God’s purposes and then risk being vulnerable with each other to learn how to love. Oh, and the offender in the relationship needs to set the tone by taking the initiative to be vulnerable first. Unfortunately, if the offender refuses to take ownership, makes excuses, resorts to explanations, shifts the blame to the other person or bulks at requests for accountability, rebuilding trust is impossible.

Forth, recognize that the only formula for trust building is consistency over a long time. That’s  the hard work of reconstructing the core foundation of a relationship one thin layer at a time. It’s a daily thing. It requires an intense amount of energy and investment on the part of both spouses.

The best analogy that I have found to describe trust building is the process of applying a fine lacquer finish on a piece of furniture that I’ve made in my wood shop. Here’s the process:

Lacquer is a finish that I spray on one thin layer at at time. After giving it sufficient time to dry, I lightly sand out the finish with extremely fine sandpaper. Sanding smooths and levels out the surface, allowing the finish to fill in the grain of the wood. It also creates thousands of micro-fine scratches in the finish. Then, when another layer of finished is applied, the scratches are filled in by the fresh layer of finish and binds the layers together. Then, after it dries, the sanding process begins again.

This process is repeated time after time after time. The layers build on each other and meld together to form a singular bond of protection the displays the beauty of the wood. The last time the finish is “rubbed out” with a superfine rubbing compound that produces a smooth mirror finish. The surface of the furniture feels like glass.

What I like about a lacquer finish is that it highlights all the beautiful grain in the wood. It deepens and takes on a richer glow over time as it ages. It’s a durable finish that protects the wood.  But as with any piece of furniture that is used throughout a lifetime, it will wear and inevitably get scratched, chipped or even gouged.  The finish can be repaired by repeating the process of rubbing out the scratch, reapplying a layer or two of finish (depending on how deep the scratch/gouge is). With a little TLC, the finish can again be restored.

That’s trust building: two partners who are fully invested in the long term process of rebuilding trust by demonstrating love consistently one layer at a time over a lifetime. The result is a durable relationship that lasts and reflects the beauty of the love of Christ reflected in the love of the couple.

Our comfort comes from knowing she’s home . . . I mean, really home! Her present reality is what we all dream about and long for. What we imagine heaven to be like, she’s experiencing firsthand. Wow! And that’s a sweetness that has provided a peace that is sustaining us beyond description (Phil. 4:7).

The funeral was a celebration of her life and the difference she made on everyone she touched. When it was my turn to speak, the phrase that kept echoing through my mind for the days prior to the service was: “That’ll leave a mark.” We use that phrase humorously around our house when we are clumsy and bump into something hard, scrape a shin running up the steps, or some such affliction. We laugh and say to each other: “that’ll leave a mark.”

That’s true of my Mom too–”she left a mark on all of us.” In big ways and in little ways, she left her fingerprints all over our lives, our spouses, and our kids. Because Jesus had marked her life with His love and compassion, she left His mark on us each time that she touched us with her love and compassion. She modeled for us John’s encouraging words that remind us that “in this world we are like him” (1 John 4:17).

I have a myriad of words I could write about her. And for me, since words are the tools of my trade, that’s one of the gifts God has given to me to help me process this painful journey through grief and loss and to the celebration of a life well lived with gratitude and hope.

Jesus left a mark on my Mom, and I’m so grateful that He did. And she left a mark on me. And now it’s my turn to leave a mark on others.

In one of my last conversations with her, I told her how much I loved her and that she was a great mom. And I reminded her that her life mattered, that she made a difference and that every life that my brothers and I, our wives, and our children touch–even you reading this today–she has a part in.

Now that’s a legacy. That’s leaving a mark that really lasts.

Now . . . it’s my turn. And, it’s your turn too. Make a point to allow the love of Christ Jesus to mark your life in such a way that you make His mark on everyone you touch today.

Yea, that’ll leave a mark.