The article defines the nagging problem as the “interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed.”

The article goes on to point out that every couple experiences nagging to some degree, but it can grow to “be as potentially dangerous to a marriage as adultery or bad finances.” A couple will start bickering about the nagging and never address what is underneath the nagging. In time, this type of “toxic communication” can “sink the relationship.”

Is nagging ruining your marriage? Admit the conflict! The good news is that couples can grow and learn how to curb the nagging and replace it with mutual love and respect. But they first need to recognize and acknowledge they are stuck in a bad pattern.

Together, and often with the help of a trusted guide, spouses can start to work towards listening and understanding where each other is coming from. They can learn to talk through feelings and needs in ways that can help them consider how to love one another more. Accusations and demands for change can start to be replaced with non-demanding expressions and requests of what each spouse legitimately needs from the other.

Click here to watch a short video clip by Dr. Larry Crabb on handling conflict in your marriage.

So what’s the remedy?

Radical transformation. No routine adjustment will suffice here. This goes clear to the bone. It’s complex. No simple 3, 5, 7 or 12 step plan. It’s not a plan, but a person–who gives us a whole new outlook on life. It’s the Jesus way.

Paul, a 1st century Jesus follower described it this way in his letter to other Jesus followers living in the Roman colony of Philippi:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Phil. 2:3-4, emphasis added)

What’s so amazing about this statement is that Paul was describing how Jesus handled his life. He wasn’t demanding. And if anyone could have been demanding of others he probably could have gotten away with it. After all he was God and perfect. But he didn’t. Why? Because that’s not the heart of God portrayed in the New Testament. He humbled himself because of his great love for us and served our interests–to redeem us when we were hopelessly lost (Matt. 20:28; Luke 19:10).

This life changing perspective from Jesus grows out of a humbled and grateful heart that refuses to focus just on my stuff, my interests and my life, and instead focuses on those around me too. It’s not wrong to look out for myself. That’s not selfish. It’s when I exclusively look out for me and refuse to look out for others as well that I’m selfish, self-focused, narcissistic and demanding.

So, I’d encourage you (and believe me, I’m talking to me too) to listen for it. Ask God to help you become more aware of your demandingness first. And as you begin to admit and own it for yourself, you’ll be humbled and better equipped to help someone else you care about whose demandingness is showing too.

Let’s help each other look more like Jesus and be less demanding. And I just bet those around us will notice too.

All of us, if we’re honest, struggle with being demanding at times–and probably more times than we care to admit. Of course it’s not all the time. But we sure are some of the time.

When?

Well, it’s when we revert to the 2-year-old-temper-tantrum mode that sounds something like this: “I want what I want when I want it and you had better do all you can to comply with my demands or else!” The Apostle James accurately describes it in James 4:1-3.

Okay, who among us hasn’t witnessed a young parent held hostage in the isle of a grocery store or better yet, a toy store, where their darling child has just backed them against the ropes with a not so subtle demand for a certain sugary treat or toy? You know what I mean? Transport that image a few decades later and you’ll better understand what lies beneath much of the turmoil in adult relationships.

Bottom line, what is at the heart of this little child’s (and your and my) demandingness? It’s a total absorption with self to the exclusion of any concern for what others may desire or need. Mommy doesn’t matter to the child in the isle. It’s the cookie or toy that matters most at that moment. Yes, it’s immature. It’s me-focused and it’s where we all start.

Distill adult demandingness (some call it entitlement) down to it’s core and you discover this same foolish belief: “I deserve and must find a way to make my life work on my terms apart from the God I neither trust, believe in or depend on to take care of me.” Do you hear all the first person pronouns in that statement? It’s all about “me!” It’s the core narcissism woven into the fallen fabric of our DNA at birth that inevitably it leads to self-destruction and the destruction of all meaningful relationships.

So, are you demanding? Do you see it? Take a closer look. Listen. What you discover might surprise and disturb you. But don’t let that stop you. Becoming aware is the first step in making a meaningful change in your life.

I remembered that I had read an article in the newspaper about an organization called The Compassionate Friends, a place to help grieving families after the death of a child. I told my friend about Compassionate Friends and an event CF started 15 years ago: The Worldwide Candle Lighting night. Each year, the second Sunday in December is dedicated to remembering, honoring, and reflecting on the lives of children who died. December 11, 2011 is the Worldwide Candle Lighting night, and this is a time where families can attend a special service in their area or light a candle at 7:00 p.m., wherever they are, to honor their child.

Holidays can be difficult for many reasons, but especially for those whose child has died – at any age and from any cause.  Whether this is the first Christmas without your child or the 25^th, you will never be the same without your son or daughter. Your child’s death has markedly changed you.  The grief you feel and the changes that take place as a result of your child’s death validate the significance, meaning, and love of your relationship with your child.

If you have lost a child or you know someone who has, I recommend this website as a source of hope and healing:  www.compassionatefriends.org.  There is also a place to post a remembrance note about your son or daughter. It’s one way a family can express their grief, share their memories, honor their child, and maybe even find new friends who can help them along this arduous journey.

The executive director of CF, Patricia Loder, wrote that the reason they do the Worldwide Candle Lighting is so that the child’s “light may always shine.”

What a beautiful picture of a child:  light; like a star’s light breaking through the darkness.

Let’s pray for the families that are grieving the loss of a child this holiday season. We can help carry their burden by praying for them, lighting a candle for their child, weeping with them, listening to them, and allowing them to grieve naturally. There is no time table and parents who’ve lost a child never ever “get over it.”  They need to grieve their incredibly deep loss for as long as it takes.

If you’d like, please use this space to post a remembrance note about your dearly loved and missed child.

“I’ll never do it again!” she promised, pleading with him to not follow through with the separation. “I told the truth! Why won’t you believe me?”

In spite of her pleading, her husband had had enough of her lies. She had violated his trust one too many times and this time she lost him for good.

Unfortunately, this scenario is played out in numerous venues and relationships far too often. People who have done something wrong, finally get caught, “tell the truth” after a litany of lies and then are shocked that there are still consequences for their choices.

Some Christians will often respond with indignation, “Why won’t he just forgive her? He needs to show her grace! Jesus came to demonstrate truth and grace (John 1:14) and so should he.”

Somehow this distorted idea has crept into our present value system. What idea? That once I confess to the truth of what I’ve done, that all painful consequences should magically melt away like the dew in the morning sunlight because I “fessed up.” The rationale goes something like this:  “After all, we are to be gracious and forgiving of one another as Christians.” Sounds good. Right?

Sorry. While that may sound biblical, it’s not. A biblical understanding of Truth and Grace is that grace doesn’t exempt us from consequences for foolish choices. Grace means we don’t throw someone away and brand them as worthless.

Forgiveness can be offered to us when we finally confesses to what we’ve done, but what we must also accept is that we may still lose our job, our marriage, our home, our children, our reputation and our friends because of our choices.

Telling the truth doesn’t exempt us from the painful consequences of the truth being known. It’s not Truth or Consequences but Truth And Consequences.

I call it PPT.

What is it?

People Pleasing Tendencies.

Now some may ask, “What’s wrong with doing things that please others?” “You mean I shouldn’t try do things to please my wife, my employer, or any of my friends?” “If that’s what you mean, it sounds more like being self absorbed, to me.”

And if that’s what I meant by being a People Pleaser than I’d agree.

But that’s not it. I don’t adhere to the philosophy of Rick Nelson’s Garden Party croonings:

“But it’s all right now, I’ve learned my lesson well.

You see, ya can’t please everyone, so ya got to please yourself.”

So, if it’s not pleasing others and it’s not focusing on yourself, what is PPT?

Pleasing others isn’t a bad thing. It becomes a problem when it’s the thing that matters most.

People who struggle with PPT are individuals who don’t just enjoy doing things to please those they love or respect. They live for it. They need to make others happy. Others must like them so that they can feel good about being themselves. In other words, their sense of well being is totally tied to pleasing others so they are like and loved.

Do you hear the “I’ve gotta” kind of intensity in the preceding paragraph? That’s what I’m talking about. While all of us struggle with PPT to some degree, there are some of us who feel like we just can’t shut it down.

Paul, a first century New Testament writer and apostle of the early church shared his observations on the tendency we have to focus way too much on pleasing others in his letter to the Galatians:

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Gal. 1:10)

Paul went on to describe how he had gotten caught up in pleasing others who had established religious traditions that distracted his heart from a singular focus on pleasing God. He had firsthand knowledge about PPT because he was a master at it . . . so extremely zealous was I for the traditions of my fathers . . . (Gal. 1:14)

But when God invaded his life and dismantled his allegiance to pleasing others, Paul’s solution to PPT became crystal clear:  Focus on pleasing God. He would later write:

And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way . . . (Col. 1:10)

So, we make it our goal to please him (God) . . . (2Cor. 5:9)

And that’s wise counsel.

So, it your turn to share. Who are you living to please? Whose praise and approval are you most afraid of losing? Whoever that is, that’s your God.

It’s time to focus. In the end, pleasing God is all that matters.

I remember sitting at this desk–the same desk where I’m writing this blog from today–and the president of our ministry coming down the hall and informing us that a plane had just hit Tower 1 and that there were some concerns that it may have been a terrorist attack. Several of us quickly crammed into the TV edit studio to watch a live news feed on a small monitor. That’s when we witnessed the second plane slamming into Tower 2. It’s a memory that I’ll never forget.

But remembering is not only a collective effort on the part of a nation or people. It’s also intensely personal as well. In a sense, yesterday reminded many of us that we are all called to remember.

It’s good to remember . . . even when it hurts.

Without memory, we’re lost. We’re left meandering around in the muddle of our seemingly disjointed lives without the handrails of perspective that only memory can provide. Remembering plays a critical role in our lives: it helps us find not only our place in our own stories but also in God’s larger story.

Without memory, we don’t know where we’ve come from, where we are, or where we’re going for that matter. Why? Because we have no reference point, no North Star to help us get our bearings to find our place in the story of our lives.

Without memory, we don’t know what we’ve endured or enjoyed, what we like or dislike, what we need to celebrate or grieve, what we need to let go of or cling to, or what we need to forgive or how to live on even when we’re hurting.

The Bible affirms the importance of memory. A quick search with Bible software for the word “remember” reveals 231 usages of the word in both the Old and New Testaments. If you also search for the word “forget” (the opposite of remember), you get an additional 64 passages.

What’s the point?

God places a premium on remembering and not forgetting what’s really important. Perspective is born out of our memories. And perspective that is proven trustworthy in our darkest hours can also be trusted to carry us forward into the uncertainty of each new day.

The Apostle Paul wrote a powerful call to remember in his letter to the Ephesians, where remembering becomes the fertile context for a new hope:

Remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ . . . through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit. (Eph. 2:12,13,18)

Remembering is crucial to hope. To remember God’s faithfulness in the past serves as a continual reminder that we can trust Him for our present and future.

There is much more to be said about memory and how God uses it, but that’s enough from me for now. Now it’s your turn. Maybe God is in the process of redeeming some of your memories. If you’d like to share them here, we’re listening.

This scene was captured just two weeks ago at the funeral of Petty Officer 1st Class Jon T. Tumilson who was one of 30 American troops, including 22 Navy SEALs, who were killed when a Taliban insurgent downed a Chinook helicopter with a rocket-propelled grenade on Aug. 6, 2011. Lisa Pembleton took the photo and posted it on her Facebook page in memory of her cousin.

What captured my heart were two words: loyalty and grief.

Even in death, Hawkeye, Tumilson’s cherished black Lab, demonstrated his undying loyalty as he lay faithfully by the side of his fallen master. Dogs grieve too. I don’t know about other animals, because my experience has been with dogs, but trust me . . . they grieve.

In my mind, there are few things that communicate loyalty and devotion more than a faithful dog. Hence, the royal description, of “man’s best friend.”

I’ve often said that someday I’m going to write a book about what my dogs have taught me about God. Not only do I think my dogs would wage their tails in playful agreement, but I think God would be delighted as well. There is so much in our world that speaks to the presence of our awesome God if we would just take the time to stop, look, and listen.

Hawkeye’s display of unflinching loyalty is obvious even to the casual viewer. But God’s abiding loyalty is frequently overlooked, or worse, dismissed. And for those of us who call ourselves Jesus followers, the call is to be loyal to Him who is always faithful.

Semper Fidelis is the motto for the U.S. Marine Corps. It’s Latin for “always faithful.” While I doubt Hawkeye was fluent in Latin and I know he wasn’t a member of The Core, it’s clear that he got the concept and modeled it faithfully. But it didn’t originate with him. The One who created him instilled faithfulness in him for us to witness in canine form. God is the originator, the architect  who epitomizes loyalty and faithfulness.

Jesus’ last words to His 12 most loyal followers were: “surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matt. 28:20). Throughout the pages of Scripture, in both the Old and New Testaments, the reassuring refrain that brings comfort, dispels discouragement, musters courage, and spawns loyalty in the followers of God is the promise of His faithfulness–His loyal presence with and for those He loves:

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord our God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deut. 31:6)

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Josh. 1:9)

“. . . because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’” (Heb. 13:5,6)

The loyalty of a faithful dog is a touching reminder of “how much more” the loyalty of our faithful God is our ultimate source of hope, comfort, strength and security through any adversity that we face.

Now it’s your turn. Many of you have witnessed loyalty. We’d love to hear your story of how God’s loyalty has touched your life? What or who did He use? Maybe it was a long time ago? Maybe it was just recently? When has He made His presence known to you in desperate times, whispering to you “I’m here. I’m always faithful?”

This mother is beginning to realize that, for now, it’s unwise to press the issue. She’s making the painful realization that’s reflected in Proverbs 9:7-8:

“Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse. Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you…”

These words are a good reminder that sometimes it is unwise and even potentially harmful to reason, debate, and even press the issue with certain people.

Some people are of the mindset that their perception of reality is the only perception that counts. In their limited view of reality, there is no room for them to consider another person’s point of view. Plus, they tend to be so self-deceived that they truly believe their own distorted perception of reality. They’re absolutely convinced they are right and no one is going to tell them otherwise. In their minds, the only option is to agree with them. If we don’t, chances are good that they will insult and abuse us. We become the enemy and they are the victim.

Wisdom recognizes that those with this mindset aren’t ready to have an honest and helpful conversation.

The Proverb, of course, is not saying that someone like this mother should ignore and stay clear of close-minded, hurtful people. While it often requires us to be as shrewd as a serpent and as innocent as a dove, there are still ways to interact with a person like this. The Proverb is simply warning us that taking certain approaches aren’t helpful like they are with those are open to consider another person’s point of view (Proverbs 9: 8-9).

Later, the young child then asked, “Daddy, who do you love the most, Jesus or me?” The father told his daughter that he loved Jesus the most, because without Jesus, he couldn’t love his children as much as he does.

What a great answer. It parallels the words of another father figure once wrote to a group of Christians he considered his “dear children” (1 John 2:1). The Apostle John wrote, “We love each other because He loved us first” (1 John 4:19 NLT).

Who do you love the most?