The article defines the nagging problem as the “interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed.”

The article goes on to point out that every couple experiences nagging to some degree, but it can grow to “be as potentially dangerous to a marriage as adultery or bad finances.” A couple will start bickering about the nagging and never address what is underneath the nagging. In time, this type of “toxic communication” can “sink the relationship.”

Is nagging ruining your marriage? Admit the conflict! The good news is that couples can grow and learn how to curb the nagging and replace it with mutual love and respect. But they first need to recognize and acknowledge they are stuck in a bad pattern.

Together, and often with the help of a trusted guide, spouses can start to work towards listening and understanding where each other is coming from. They can learn to talk through feelings and needs in ways that can help them consider how to love one another more. Accusations and demands for change can start to be replaced with non-demanding expressions and requests of what each spouse legitimately needs from the other.

Click here to watch a short video clip by Dr. Larry Crabb on handling conflict in your marriage.

Anger can be a legitimate and healthy emotion. The apostle Paul speaks of a righteous anger: “Be angry, and yet do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26 NASB).

For some of us, however, anger is the only emotion we let ourselves deeply feel and express.

Why is that?

For many people, it stems from past experiences where emotions like sadness and fear were downplayed or ignored or even outright discouraged. As a result, many of us learn to push such feelings down and use anger as a “go-to” emotion. Anger seems safer to feel because it’s far less vulnerable. When were angry, we won’t need others. And when we don’t need others, they can’t let us down.

It may provide a measure of short-term safety, but using anger as a “go-to” emotion and banning more vulnerable feelings will inevitably ruin relationships and block us from finding the comfort of God and others (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

Is anger your “go-to” emotion? Take a risk and let yourself feel those things that hurt or scare you. And then begin sharing those feelings with God and a friend or two. Involving others and letting them see more of you than just your anger can help you find comfort and in turn, learn how to comfort others.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” –Jesus (Matthew 5:4)

We’re attending the funeral for the same reason we’ve called and texted our friend over the past week. He loved his brother dearly, and he’s reeling from such a profound and sudden loss. We can’t begin to take away the pain of his loss, but our presence is a small but meaningful way to rally around our friend and show that we care.

Jesus modeled how important the presence of others is during a time of grief. The night He was arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane, when His soul was crushed with grief to the point of death, Jesus asked a few of His disciples to sit and pray with him (Matthew 26:36-38). They couldn’t take His grief away either, but He desired, even needed their company and prayers.

Just as Jesus needed others to be with Him in His time of need—we need others too. Having others around comforts a grieving heart more than we know.

As a boy, I grew up an hour away from State College, Pennsylvania. I’ve rooted for Penn State football for the last 50 years. It’s hard to describe the thoughts and feelings that have been pulsating through me for the past two weeks.

Disbelief. Disgust. Grief. Outrage. Shock. To name a few.

But primarily? Heartache.

As a counselor who has spent hundreds of hours helping many men and women work through their past of childhood sexual abuse–dealing with the trauma, the pain, the shame, the secrets, and the long-term devastation of abuse–to rebuild productive lives, I am angry.

Angry that anyone–no matter what their status is within any organization–from janitors to presidents–would allow any form of suspected child abusive behavior to go on without it being quickly exposed to the proper authorities and decisively addressed, so that first and foremost the children are protected and those responsible are held accountable.

But, in spite of how I feel, I must reserve judgment for those who know all the evidence in the case. I simply don’t know what really happened. What I do know is the allegations I hear reported in the media and the published grand jury report. And, make no mistake about it, the allegations are bad.

But, there is a process that cannot be hijacked in the media’s court of public opinion. I can quickly jump to conclusions about what has happened and what should or shouldn’t be done to those involved without knowing the full details of the case. That’s what trials are for.

My concern is that in the media feeding frenzy for the most salacious story out there, that what gets whipped up in the watching audience is a lynch mob mentality that is dangerous.

It’s clear what is needed: protection for children and justice for those who abuse them.

I know my own weakness and my snap judgement without ample evidence can quickly cross the invisible ethical line between seeking justice and justifying revenge. God reminds me that none of us are qualified for the task of vengeance–not by a long shot. That’s His realm exclusively. Mortals need not apply.

Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. (Rom. 12:19, 20)

James 1:19, 20 also provides a well heeded warning:

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

But lest we think that God takes abuse lightly, consider Jesus’ own words in Luke 17:1, 2 regarding those who would dare to harm a child:

“Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.”

The allegations and charges of child abuse are serious. The coverup is evidence that something is seriously broken and needs to be fixed. The power and money that the big business of college sports wields is a challenging force that must be harnessed lest it run wild and unbridled. Hopefully, this scandal will bring that conversation to the forefront as well.

And finally, I’ve heard more public appeals and witnessed more examples of public prayer for all the victims involved in this situation than I’ve seen since 9/11. That is telling. In times of pain and desperation when we need wisdom to know how to respond to a tragic situation that is unimaginable in it’s scope and destruction, we naturally turn to the only true source of comfort, strength, and wisdom.

Let’s pray together that we will all strive  . . . “To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” (Micah 6:8). If we do, then something good will begin to take root and grow out of a horribly destructive and dark situation.

“This,” the boy replied holding up the book on his lap , “It’s more than just a good book.”

The young boy is, Henry, a main character from the new, popular television series Once Upon a Time. The book he was referring to was a large book of fairy tales that the series is based on.

I read a lot books, and people sometimes ask me if what I’m reading is good. Usually it is, but not always.

Henry’s response got me to thinking about what I would say if a stranger asked me the same question if they noticed me reading the Bible.

I’ve often heard people refer to the Bible as the “good book,” but after hearing Henry’s response, I would prefer to use his line—“It’s more than just a good book”. But then I would hope to add:

“Actually, it’s really not a book, but a library of books that tell an epic story of God’s love, that if you let it in, it will change your life forever.”

I could say more, but hopefully a short, thoughtful response would stir up enough curiosity in the person to look into reading the Bible for him or herself.

If you only had a sentence or two, what might you tell a stranger if they asked you the same question?

In an attempt to survive a time of feeling let down by others or myself, I’ve immersed myself in spiritual disciplines like prayer and scripture reading. I’ve even listened to a few Jesus centered tunes to soothe my soul. At the time, it may have looked good on the outside, but inside I wasn’t really looking for Jesus and what he wanted to show me in my situation. I was looking for a distraction. I was simply looking to busy myself with something so I didn’t have think about or feel the weight of my hurt.

Bottom line—I wanted t get as far away from the hurt as possible…and Jesus was going to help me.

Over the course of my walk with Jesus, however, I’ve learned that following Him is not about denying the reality of our pain and sorrow. Instead, it is to lean into it. After all, Jesus Himself was no stranger to pain and sorrow (Isa.53:3, Lk.22:44). He felt the heartache of life, and felt it deeply.

Jesus didn’t come to numb our souls. He came to bring us life (John 10:10). And to be fully alive in a broken world involves facing our pain, not running from it.

In his book, Befriending the Stranger, Jean Vanier (founder of L’Arche) shared this gripping exchange he once had with a man who was in prison:

“I remember my visit to a top security prison in Kingston, Ontario. I told the prisoners about the men and women we have welcomed in l’Arche–their pain, their sense of failure and rejection, their depression, sometimes their self-mutilation…I knew that I was in fact telling them their own story, the story of their lives, their experience of rejection, grief, insecurity, and failure.”

“At the end of my talk one of the inmates got up and screamed at me: ‘You! You’ve had an easy life! You do not understand what we are living! When I was four years old, I saw my mother raped right in front of me! When I was seven, I was sold by my father for sex. When I was thirteen the police came to get me. If anyone else comes into this prison to talk about love I will kick his bloody head in!’”

Jean Vanier continued, “I listened to him but did not know what to say or do. It was as if he had me against the wall. I prayed and then I said: ‘It’s true what you say. I do not know what you have lived. But what I do know is that everything you have just told me is important. People outside the prison often judge you without knowing your pain…’”

“When the question time was over I went up to the man and I shook his hand. I asked him his name…I was inspired to ask him whether he was married and when he said ‘Yes’ I asked him to tell me about his wife. This man who had been so violent, who had seemed to have such hatred in him, broke down in tears. He told me about his wife, who was in Montreal in a wheelchair. He had not seen her for two years! I was in front of a wounded, vulnerable little child, weeping, crying out for love and tenderness.”

Vanier went on to add, “In the midst of all the violence and corruption of the world, God invites us today to create new places of belonging, places of sharing, of peace and kindness, places where no-one needs to defend himself or herself; places where each one is loved and accepted with one’s own fragility, abilities and disabilities.”

I don’t know  of a more powerful way to show the heart of Jesus than to give hurting and lost people from all walks of life a place to belong.  A place where issues are addressed, but only once love and non-condemning friendships are established (Lk. 19:1-9; John 8:1-11). A place where they are not judged and singled-out, but rather befriended and eventually encouraged to pursue a relationship with Jesus, and through His grace become all He intends for them to be.

BTW…L’Arche (a network of communities Jean Vanier established for those with intellectual disabilities ) is the the French word for Noah’s Ark.

One researcher said, “We found that prayer really can help people cope with their anger, probably by helping them change how they view the events that angered them and helping them take it less personally.”

These studies reflect the idea that prayer changes us as much as it changes anything else. Perhaps this is one reason why Jesus taught us to pray for our enemies (Matthew 6:28). He wanted us to genuinely pray for their well-being, but in doing so He likely knew the effect it would have on our own hearts.

Praying for those who persecute us is a radical idea. It’s typically not the first thing to come to my mind. My initial thought is to pray against them. But it’s hard to deny the benefits.

A man I once counseled found himself consumed by the rage he felt towards his ex-wife. For decades she would run him down to their children and intentionally exclude him from their lives. His ex-wife didn’t change, but his attitude started to shift once he began praying for her. In a way he couldn’t explain, praying for her freed him from the anger that had consumed him for years.

How has praying for others, even someone who acts like your enemy, had an impact on you?

Yesterday I was watering my wife’s herbs and was looking at the Sweet Basil I had planted for her in a pot on our patio. It looked beautiful and green. Just fine. Right?

And then I looked closer.

Do you see it? It’s right there in front of you. Look. It’s parked in the middle of this lush green plant.

Yep. It’s a grasshopper, perfectly camouflaged to match his lush green surroundings. Hidden in plain sight and munching away on my wife’s herbs.

As a child, I remember many times when my grandmother would send me to fetch something  from the pantry cupboard and my search would come up empty.  After walking to the cupboard and retrieving the can of red beets herself, she would often say, “if it had been a snake, it would have bit you.”

That reminds me of Jesus’ warning to his disciples to beware of dangerous things hidden in plain sight. In yet another of his instructive conversations with His traveling band of disciples, Jesus warned them,”Be careful . . . watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees and that of Herod” (Matt. 8:15). Unfortunately, they didn’t get it. (I can relate.)

Jesus addressed their missing the point with “Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?” (Matt. 8:17-18)

The point?

Quite often, after closer inspection, we discover things like habits, patterns of relationships, subtle practices that we’ve grown accustom to justifying that are hidden in plain sight, right in front of our eyes. And we miss them. They are consuming the vitality of the life that God offers to us in Christ. But they’re camouflaged. And so we tend to overlook them. We think we’re okay. But a closer look reveals otherwise.

And believe me, you must intentionally look for them. You need to learn how to see again. And once you recognize them for what they are–destructive little critters that are eating away at the fruitfulness of your life–then you can begin to address eliminating them.

But first,  you need to see them.

So, remember, take a closer look at your life. You may be surprised to discover what’s hidden in plain sight . . . right in front of your eyes.

• Be intentional. Make a plan and write it down. There’s something about a tangible written plan that makes us more accountable.
• Be accountable. Share your plan with someone else. We’re more likely to stick to the plan when there’s someone else who knows and who is not shy about asking about how we’re doing.
• Follow through. Keep a journal of your journey. Documenting where you’ve been helps you track progress.
• Don’t go it alone. Find a buddy, or better, find 2 buddies to share the journey with. Lone rangers don’t make it. Practice the buddy system and you’re go much farther than you will alone (Eccl. 4:9-12)

So how about you? Got any suggestions that you’ve found helpful and are willing to share?  Feel free to post them here so we can all keep on target.