The article defines the nagging problem as the “interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed.”

The article goes on to point out that every couple experiences nagging to some degree, but it can grow to “be as potentially dangerous to a marriage as adultery or bad finances.” A couple will start bickering about the nagging and never address what is underneath the nagging. In time, this type of “toxic communication” can “sink the relationship.”

Is nagging ruining your marriage? Admit the conflict! The good news is that couples can grow and learn how to curb the nagging and replace it with mutual love and respect. But they first need to recognize and acknowledge they are stuck in a bad pattern.

Together, and often with the help of a trusted guide, spouses can start to work towards listening and understanding where each other is coming from. They can learn to talk through feelings and needs in ways that can help them consider how to love one another more. Accusations and demands for change can start to be replaced with non-demanding expressions and requests of what each spouse legitimately needs from the other.

Click here to watch a short video clip by Dr. Larry Crabb on handling conflict in your marriage.

All of us, if we’re honest, struggle with being demanding at times–and probably more times than we care to admit. Of course it’s not all the time. But we sure are some of the time.

When?

Well, it’s when we revert to the 2-year-old-temper-tantrum mode that sounds something like this: “I want what I want when I want it and you had better do all you can to comply with my demands or else!” The Apostle James accurately describes it in James 4:1-3.

Okay, who among us hasn’t witnessed a young parent held hostage in the isle of a grocery store or better yet, a toy store, where their darling child has just backed them against the ropes with a not so subtle demand for a certain sugary treat or toy? You know what I mean? Transport that image a few decades later and you’ll better understand what lies beneath much of the turmoil in adult relationships.

Bottom line, what is at the heart of this little child’s (and your and my) demandingness? It’s a total absorption with self to the exclusion of any concern for what others may desire or need. Mommy doesn’t matter to the child in the isle. It’s the cookie or toy that matters most at that moment. Yes, it’s immature. It’s me-focused and it’s where we all start.

Distill adult demandingness (some call it entitlement) down to it’s core and you discover this same foolish belief: “I deserve and must find a way to make my life work on my terms apart from the God I neither trust, believe in or depend on to take care of me.” Do you hear all the first person pronouns in that statement? It’s all about “me!” It’s the core narcissism woven into the fallen fabric of our DNA at birth that inevitably it leads to self-destruction and the destruction of all meaningful relationships.

So, are you demanding? Do you see it? Take a closer look. Listen. What you discover might surprise and disturb you. But don’t let that stop you. Becoming aware is the first step in making a meaningful change in your life.

So, in essence, more hang time allows you to get closer to your goal of winning the game.

In the New Testament, Jesus also valued hang time. No, he wasn’t a punter for a 1st century football team that played on Sundays in the local arena. What I mean is that he asked his disciples to come “hang with him.” As we read Matthew’s account, Jesus’ words were simply, “follow me” (Matt. 4:19, 8:22, 9:9). He was asking them to hang with him. To go where he goes. Eat what he eats. Sleep where he sleeps. Walk where he walks. Listen to his teachings. Sit in on the discussions afterwards. Question him. Believe him. Trust him.

That’s what a disciple was and did. He hung out with his teacher and did life together with him. Why? Well, for one, because the teacher invited him to do so. And second, so that he could learn to live more consistent with his life’s calling by just hanging out with his teacher and mentor.

So, my question to you is this: When was the last time you really hung out with Jesus? When was the last time you just sat at his feet, listening to him talk and soaking in what he was saying.

I don’t mean reading the Bible preparing to do something else–like teach a Sunday school class, lead a devotional, prepare a sermon, or find an answer to a specific problem. As good and worthy as all those endeavors are, simply reading the Bible to spend some good “hang time” with Jesus is vital to being a Jesus follower.

Feel free to share how your “hang time” is or isn’t with Jesus? No casting judgment on each other. Instead, let’s do all we can to encourage one another to follow him more faithfully.

“I’ll never do it again!” she promised, pleading with him to not follow through with the separation. “I told the truth! Why won’t you believe me?”

In spite of her pleading, her husband had had enough of her lies. She had violated his trust one too many times and this time she lost him for good.

Unfortunately, this scenario is played out in numerous venues and relationships far too often. People who have done something wrong, finally get caught, “tell the truth” after a litany of lies and then are shocked that there are still consequences for their choices.

Some Christians will often respond with indignation, “Why won’t he just forgive her? He needs to show her grace! Jesus came to demonstrate truth and grace (John 1:14) and so should he.”

Somehow this distorted idea has crept into our present value system. What idea? That once I confess to the truth of what I’ve done, that all painful consequences should magically melt away like the dew in the morning sunlight because I “fessed up.” The rationale goes something like this:  “After all, we are to be gracious and forgiving of one another as Christians.” Sounds good. Right?

Sorry. While that may sound biblical, it’s not. A biblical understanding of Truth and Grace is that grace doesn’t exempt us from consequences for foolish choices. Grace means we don’t throw someone away and brand them as worthless.

Forgiveness can be offered to us when we finally confesses to what we’ve done, but what we must also accept is that we may still lose our job, our marriage, our home, our children, our reputation and our friends because of our choices.

Telling the truth doesn’t exempt us from the painful consequences of the truth being known. It’s not Truth or Consequences but Truth And Consequences.

As I sat at my desk this morning contemplating what to share with you today, my eyes focused on something I see every day and often take for granted.

It’s a plain white tin that was decorated with craft paint years ago, twenty to be exact, by my son when he was 6.

On the tin is a picture he painted of our yellow canoe, the same one we used this past weekend–except that it’s now fully custom camouflaged (a fun weekend project about 10 years ago that involved everyone in the Jackson clan pitching in with their artistic talents).

The two people fishing in the canoe? You guessed it, my son and me . . . together.

Relationships are like any other investment–if you don’t invest over the long haul, you’ll never reap any of the rewards long term.

That little tin is a precious reminder to me of good times past that began well before he was six. And they are still paying off today at 26 with good times present. The conversations around the campfire have deepened over the years to be sure, but the joy of sharing these times together I’ll treasure for a lifetime. And I’m looking forward with anticipation to good times future as well.

So, to you dad’s out there listening, take the time to invest early. Whether you have sons or daughters makes no difference, except in the kinds of activities you may enjoy together. Invest early and invest a lot. You’ll never regret investing relationally in your children. However, you will regret it if you don’t. I’ve counseled with many fathers to are haunted by grief over missed opportunities that are long since past.

Don’t wait! Invest now.

Here’s the good news for those dads who missed out on the earlier times: It’s not over. Please don’t allow the past to discourage you from starting now. That’s exactly what Satan would love for you to do. Don’t give in to that lie.

Regrets over what you didn’t do in the past can be a killer. It shuts down involvement in the present because of guilt and shame over past failures. That’s what makes God’s forgiveness so critical. Forgiveness releases us from the guilt of the past to reengage in loving well in the present. It’s never too late to respond well.

If your son is all grown up, still start now. It may be a hunting weekend, a boat show, rebuilding an old car together, helping him with his home repairs, or grabbing a pair of tickets to go watch your favorite college football team. Find something that you can begin to hang out together over–investing time, emotional energy, and conversation. Don’t push. Just relax and let the relationship simmer for a while. And over time, hopefully, the conversations will come.

If it’s your daughter, it may mean taking the “masculine risk” of stepping out of your comfort zone and  inviting her to the local art show or street fair, taking her to dinner and a movie (her choice–yes, you can handle a chick flick and still be manly), shopping for a day together at the mall (and letting her choose all the stores), helping her repair her car (or being the guy who finds and negotiates with the mechanic about the repair), or simply asking her out to breakfast.

Remember: you can’t reap dividends if you don’t invest. Invest well, often, and generously. And trust God for the results. You’ll never regret it.

Now I’m sure that many of you dads have unique stories of your own to share that would provide helpful examples to the rest of us of how you’ve invested in your kids, where you’ve missed it, how you’ve recovered from missing it, and where you’re currently enjoying some of the long term dividends.

Regardless of where you are in this journey as a dad, we’d love for you to encourage one another here with your stories (Heb. 3:13).

From the days of Adam and Eve in the Garden with their first of many children–Cain and Abel–parenting has been fraught with problems (Gen. 4:1-16).

So, what hope can parents find in raising the next generation to be productive and God honoring?

One of the teachings that has helped me as a parent is to focus not on producing a product, like a well-behaved kid, but on encouraging my children to have a heart for God. While good behavior is certainly desirable in our children, it’s equally as certain that it’s not enough.

While we as parents will often make the mistake of settling for outward appearances of compliance in our children, God’s focus, as always, is on their hearts (1 Sam. 16:7).

Two theological questions that have helped me focus more on our children’s hearts are tied into who they are as a son or daughter made in God’s image, worthy of love and respect, and at the same time who they are as little rebels at heart who are born into the world thinking they are the epicenter of the universe.

(Now I can just about hear some of you thinking, “My little Billy or Nancy could never have been a rebel.” Oh, please. Hear me out. Remember the trench warfare waged with each child when you had to finally draw on all your strength and forge a pact in blood with your spouse that neither of you would respond to their demanding cries that you take care of them IMMEDIATELY!!! Yea, you know what I’m talking about.)

The two questions are:

Am I loved? This question ties into a child’s Dignity because they are made in God’s image. Check out Genesis 1:26. It’s foundational for understanding your child’s value and worth to God, which should reshape the way you view them as well.

Can I get my own way? This question ties into what I referred to above, your child’s Depravity. Your child has inherited a sin nature from . . . you, his or her parent. How do I know it’s true? Well, first, the Bible is clear that our kids are just miniature versions of us big people, i.e. beautiful and broken. Romans 3:23 sums it up: “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” The glory of God is our dignity that was marred in the Fall (Gen. 3:1-24). “All” is loosely translated, well, all. Us as parents as well as our kids. We’re all in this together.

And finally, and here’s the catch. Now that you know these questions as parents, the challenge facing you is that you must answer both of them simultaneously. How you answer these two questions will determine the kind of parent that you are and how you  handle the hearts of those precious children that God has entrusted into your capable hands.

So, how’s your parenting? We’d love to hear your comments and questions.

I remember sitting at this desk–the same desk where I’m writing this blog from today–and the president of our ministry coming down the hall and informing us that a plane had just hit Tower 1 and that there were some concerns that it may have been a terrorist attack. Several of us quickly crammed into the TV edit studio to watch a live news feed on a small monitor. That’s when we witnessed the second plane slamming into Tower 2. It’s a memory that I’ll never forget.

But remembering is not only a collective effort on the part of a nation or people. It’s also intensely personal as well. In a sense, yesterday reminded many of us that we are all called to remember.

It’s good to remember . . . even when it hurts.

Without memory, we’re lost. We’re left meandering around in the muddle of our seemingly disjointed lives without the handrails of perspective that only memory can provide. Remembering plays a critical role in our lives: it helps us find not only our place in our own stories but also in God’s larger story.

Without memory, we don’t know where we’ve come from, where we are, or where we’re going for that matter. Why? Because we have no reference point, no North Star to help us get our bearings to find our place in the story of our lives.

Without memory, we don’t know what we’ve endured or enjoyed, what we like or dislike, what we need to celebrate or grieve, what we need to let go of or cling to, or what we need to forgive or how to live on even when we’re hurting.

The Bible affirms the importance of memory. A quick search with Bible software for the word “remember” reveals 231 usages of the word in both the Old and New Testaments. If you also search for the word “forget” (the opposite of remember), you get an additional 64 passages.

What’s the point?

God places a premium on remembering and not forgetting what’s really important. Perspective is born out of our memories. And perspective that is proven trustworthy in our darkest hours can also be trusted to carry us forward into the uncertainty of each new day.

The Apostle Paul wrote a powerful call to remember in his letter to the Ephesians, where remembering becomes the fertile context for a new hope:

Remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ . . . through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit. (Eph. 2:12,13,18)

Remembering is crucial to hope. To remember God’s faithfulness in the past serves as a continual reminder that we can trust Him for our present and future.

There is much more to be said about memory and how God uses it, but that’s enough from me for now. Now it’s your turn. Maybe God is in the process of redeeming some of your memories. If you’d like to share them here, we’re listening.

This scene was captured just two weeks ago at the funeral of Petty Officer 1st Class Jon T. Tumilson who was one of 30 American troops, including 22 Navy SEALs, who were killed when a Taliban insurgent downed a Chinook helicopter with a rocket-propelled grenade on Aug. 6, 2011. Lisa Pembleton took the photo and posted it on her Facebook page in memory of her cousin.

What captured my heart were two words: loyalty and grief.

Even in death, Hawkeye, Tumilson’s cherished black Lab, demonstrated his undying loyalty as he lay faithfully by the side of his fallen master. Dogs grieve too. I don’t know about other animals, because my experience has been with dogs, but trust me . . . they grieve.

In my mind, there are few things that communicate loyalty and devotion more than a faithful dog. Hence, the royal description, of “man’s best friend.”

I’ve often said that someday I’m going to write a book about what my dogs have taught me about God. Not only do I think my dogs would wage their tails in playful agreement, but I think God would be delighted as well. There is so much in our world that speaks to the presence of our awesome God if we would just take the time to stop, look, and listen.

Hawkeye’s display of unflinching loyalty is obvious even to the casual viewer. But God’s abiding loyalty is frequently overlooked, or worse, dismissed. And for those of us who call ourselves Jesus followers, the call is to be loyal to Him who is always faithful.

Semper Fidelis is the motto for the U.S. Marine Corps. It’s Latin for “always faithful.” While I doubt Hawkeye was fluent in Latin and I know he wasn’t a member of The Core, it’s clear that he got the concept and modeled it faithfully. But it didn’t originate with him. The One who created him instilled faithfulness in him for us to witness in canine form. God is the originator, the architect  who epitomizes loyalty and faithfulness.

Jesus’ last words to His 12 most loyal followers were: “surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matt. 28:20). Throughout the pages of Scripture, in both the Old and New Testaments, the reassuring refrain that brings comfort, dispels discouragement, musters courage, and spawns loyalty in the followers of God is the promise of His faithfulness–His loyal presence with and for those He loves:

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord our God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deut. 31:6)

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Josh. 1:9)

“. . . because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’” (Heb. 13:5,6)

The loyalty of a faithful dog is a touching reminder of “how much more” the loyalty of our faithful God is our ultimate source of hope, comfort, strength and security through any adversity that we face.

Now it’s your turn. Many of you have witnessed loyalty. We’d love to hear your story of how God’s loyalty has touched your life? What or who did He use? Maybe it was a long time ago? Maybe it was just recently? When has He made His presence known to you in desperate times, whispering to you “I’m here. I’m always faithful?”

At the risk of sounding simplistic . . . because I was always taught that the simplest explanation is most often the best . . . I think it can be distilled down to one thing.

Listen to them.

If you treat your child like they matter to you, it will be unlikely that they will struggle with whether or not they matter later on. How you relate to them now as a little person in your home demonstrates a love and respect for who they are, becoming deeply rooted in their souls and bearing fruit for a lifetime.

When’s the last time you simply sat down and had a conversation with your son or daughter? Just to hear what was on their mind? No agenda. No correction. No particular reason except that he’s your son, she’s your daughter. Can you remember? Was it recent? Have you ever?

Don’t focus on building your child’s self-esteem. Instead, focus on your child. And the best way to do that is to listen to them. Treat them with value because they are. Listen to what your child is saying and you will do far more to provide them with a healthy understanding that they are valuable. Why? “Because my mom and dad listen to me.”

And why is that effective? Because you are treating your child like they really do matter to you. When you stop what you’re doing and take time out to listen to what they are saying, you prove to them that they are more valuable to you than the house work, mowing the lawn, your laptop, or that favorite T.V. show. If you don’t get what they are saying the first time, then just ask them again–giving them the opportunity to clarify what they were trying to say.

By listening–I mean really listening–you are not just telling your child that they matter. That’s good. But it’s not good enough.  By really listening to them,  you’re demonstrating that they do matter. By listening to them, you treat them like a real person who is worth listening to.

By listening to your child, you are telling them: “You are made as a boy/girl in God’s image. You are worthy of love and respect. God has given you a voice and a heart that are a reflection of Him. He thinks you’re important, and so do I. He loves you, and so do I.”

And you know what happens when others outside your home don’t treat your child with value? (And trust me, they won’t.) Your child won’t automatically assume that they did something wrong. They will feel the disparity between the way you have listened to them and those who are dismissing their voices. That will give you ample opportunities for discussions with them about how to gracefully handle the disappointment, adversity and challenges that they will inevitably face throughout their lives.

Because you listened to them, they will also be more open to come and share their both their joys and sorrows with you so that you can help them celebrate as well as navigate through the minefields of relationship struggles.

The Apostle James wrote: “Everyone (including parents) should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). A good reminder to those of us as parents who are more prone to speak quickly and are slow to listen. (Okay. I confess, that’s my bent. Anyone with me? Thanks, James, for the reminder.)

So, don’t settle for merely telling your children that they’re important. Treat them like they are.

Listen to them.

And they’ll hear you loud and clear.

Now it’s time for you to use your voice. We value hearing from you. So, please feel free to share your story with the HFML family about a time when a parent (or maybe any adult) took the time to listen to you as a youth. Or how about a time when you listened to a child. Let’s encourage one another with these stories.

I’m listening.

Few things cut us as deep as being betrayed by someone close. Listen to David describe the betrayal he once experienced at that hands of a close companion:

“If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God” (Psalm 55:12-14 NIV)

Working through a major betrayal and violation of trust is difficult. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you immediately forget what happened and trust the person who betrayed you. That person may not yet be worthy of any deep level of trust.

Even though it’s premature to trust, Christians are still called to care about the welfare of those who betray us. We are called not to lose sight of the fact that the person still matters. They still have legitimate temporary and eternal needs, even if they haven’t owned the betrayal and harm it’s done to us. Caring will keep us from writing them off. It will  help us refrain from coping an attitude towards someone that would make it impossible for that person to ever re-earn trust in our eyes.

Caring about another person doesn’t mean we have to be gullable. God gave us common sense and this is one of those times where it’s important to use it well. We must continue to honestly discern how that person treats us and make decisions about trust based on how they treat in the future.

I’m inclined to think that caring about without immediately trusting those who betray us is in the spirit of what Jesus had in mind when he encouraged his followers to be “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16).